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James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

1, November 2019

Political Correctness group lobby to un-Spot Dick

Dotty Johnson proudly displays her Spotted Dicks

Feature by guest reporter Paula Houseman Political correctionistas have come down on the beloved, traditional English steamed pudding, Spotted Dick. The PCers have taken umbrage to the name, which is “not gender-neutral, sounds like an STD, and isn’t good for tourism”. Crusading for a name change, they took to the streets of London en masse […]

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31, October 2019

Have we left yet?

Half the UK population believe we have now left the EU

The half of the UK that only half follows current affairs rose this morning believing the UK has left the EU. It was promised by current PM Boris Johnson so it must be true. There was much hand-shaking and back-slapping and pouring of early-morning eggnog in celebration. Hearty full English breakfasts were cooked and eaten […]

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25, October 2019

People who ‘go to the toilet’ in shower responsible for 93% of global warming

Don't 'go to the toilet' in the bath or shower - the Royals never do - because you're killing the planet

A team of scientists studying global warming has discovered an incredible link between climate change and indoor plumbing. Since indoor plumbing became mainstream in the mid-1900s the Earth‘s temperature began to rise. Scientists investigating the phenomenon realised that, with the introduction of plumbing, individuals were no longer using the WC for their toilet needs but, […]

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