Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Dog-AI interface brings forward world domination to 2030

Bella (2nd from right) said she is looking forward to some intelligent conversation with her doggy friends while watching the human race descend into inane stupidity

Pioneering technology which links the brain to computers and AI (Artificial Intelligence) systems has been developed and tested on dogs. As the technology advances dogs could be set to take over the world by 2030 rather than 2050 as originally assumed. The first pioneer is Bella, a Border Collie and the sister of Zak who […]

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New BBC policy to challenge politicians’ veracity

Andrew Neil prepares divisive questions for the next hapless politician to guest on the BBC's new News program:

Feature by guest reporter David Layzelle Following criticism of its stance on party politics, Brexit, and the Trump administration, the BBC has announced a new interview policy. BBC Chairman, Lord Tony Hall, issued an edict stating that every statement made by a politician should be questioned for authenticity. With the BBC Royal Charter, and his […]

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21, July 2019

Man who put off procrastinating didn’t realise he was procrastinating

Buzz was too busy skiing to procrastinate, so he kept putting it off

“Procrastination is something I’ve always wanted to try,” said Barry “Buzz” Abernathy, 37, from Newbury. “Everyone I know is doing it so there must be something in it. In fact, it’s on my bucket list but I just keep putting off doing it.” “One of my friends, Gerry, gets absolutely nothing done and he loves […]

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Football transfers: Top clubs bidding for these star players

You get a lot more footballers for your money here

One manager, who did not want to be named, said: “These top performers are cheaper than current signings and far more entertaining.” Ref: BBC News Are robots getting better at football? ‘Hand of god’ or a massive cheat? Discuss How much would you pay for a season ticket? (Note: this information will go to the […]

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Village holds record for holding the most records

If a village held the record for holding the most records, the least it could do would be to install a funicular

“It’s a record,” says the Guinness Book of Records. The village of Ware-on-the-Whey recently made record book history by becoming the village whose inhabitants hold the most records: an astounding 231. Here are just a few of the amazing records this village holds. Dan Dugdale holds the record for the World’s smallest garden consisting of […]

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Zuckerberg’s lunch money seized after Facebook data scandal

Mark Zuckerberg pleads with the FTC not to seize his lunch money as it's all that's standing between him and a slap up lunch at the Ritz

The FTC (Federal Trade Commission) has ordered Mark Zuckerberg‘s lunch allowance to be seized following allegations that Facebook has been gathering data on its users. Data the company gathered includes users’ friends and family, where they live, where they went to school, the name of their pet and their favourite swear word. In many cases […]

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