“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

19, March 2019

Yellow Vests riot again in France. “We demand better fashion than yellow jackets,” say protesters

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Road workers? Gilets Jaunes? Or just c;learing up after a Yellow Jacket Riot? You decide

Road workers? Gilets Jaunes? Or just c;learing up after a Yellow Jacket Riot? You decide

The Yellow Jackets or “Gilets Jaunes” have again been rioting in Paris and throughout France.

We spoke to one of the protest leaders. “We don’t want much,” he said (in French). “These damn yellow jackets make us look like refuse collectors or road workers. Not that there’s anything wrong with refuse collectors or road workers, in fact we probably have some refuse collectors and road workers in our group.

“But the point is, France is the capital of high fashion and we’ve only got these crumby yellow jackets to wear. We’re the laughing stock of the fashion world. As well as being taken for refuse collectors and road workers. Not that there’s anything intrinsically wrong with those occupations.

“Macron and his cronies walk around in Lagonda suits, and even Jonas et Cie and Richelieu pants which are several cuts above the average gilet! I bet they’ve never been a road worker,

“So of course tempers rise – we are a hot-blooded people after all – and sometimes things do get a little out of hand but all they have to do is give us something more fashionable to wear.

“If you English had any fashion sense there’d be Gilets Jaunes in England, too. But you don’t so there aren’t.

“And please tell everyone that Gilets are nothing to do with a damn razor blade company! I’m sick of being asked for a pack of five!

The protester walked away puffing on his sweet-smelling Gauloises. “I could have been a catwalk model wearing haute couture instead of being mistaken for a refuse collector or road worker,” he mumbled. “Riots! I’ll give ’em bloody riots…”

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