Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

13, February 2019

Tears of a clown! World clown shortage! “The Chinese are eating them!” says Bongo Baggy Britches

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Tears of a clown - "You can laugh women into bed!" claim Chinese!

Tears of a clown – “You can laugh women into bed!” claim Chinese!

The number of clowns in the world is decreasing at an exponential rate.

As their natural habitat, the circus, comes increasingly under threat from legislation, and their livelihood is threatened by video games, Ronald MacDonald and apathy, clowns are becoming an endangered species.

But there’s another danger, too.

Clown impresario and spokesman for the Family Of Clowns Association, Professor Bongo Baggy Britches, said: “It’s no laughing matter. The Chinese believe the tears of a clown have aphrodisiac properties. Over the past year we’ve had several reports of clowns being kidnapped and forced to watch movies like Titanic, Love Story and Marley & Me over and over while their captors collect their tears which sell for a high price on the black market.

“Many clowns are having to employ a bodyguard – which is difficult on clown wages – or adopt a disguise pretending to be a different member of their troupe.”

Customers have been known to pay upwards of $300 for a ‘clown tear’ potion reputed to give them the ability to laugh a woman into bed.

Bongo Baggy Britches continued: “The aphrodisiac angle is just plain bonkers. Clowns are as sexy as pandas – and not as cute. Who’d want to wake up next to a red nose? But can you tell them?

“If something’s not done there’ll be no clowns left, just like the Rhinos.”

Baggy Britches concluded: “it’s no joke!”

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