After 72 years of extensive research, the World Health Organisation has come up with a list of recommendations to stop you getting dementia.
Dementia is a debilitating and eventually fatal illness with no cure. It typically affects the elderly, so as the years go by there will be fewer and fewer Brexit supporters and more and more people being cared for by the immigrants they wanted to send home.
Life can be ironic.
The most effective way to avoid dementia is to die young. The WHO found that dementia may start in the late 60s but really kicks in at 85 so it recommends you ‘take off’ before you hit 80 at the latest.
The mid-70s is the optimum time to ‘take off’. Viagra still works and, with a little lubricant and a willing partner, you may still enjoy doing what you used to enjoy doing without wondering what you were doing, why you were doing it or who you were doing it with.
The second best way to avoid dementia is to pick parents who don’t have it. Unfortunately, adoptive parents don’t have as much impact on this as your genetic parents.
However, this has still led to a rush of people in their 60s looking for mentally-stable couples to adopt them. Mainly in Hull, parts of Yorkshire, Wales and Scotland.
You should exercise by running seven miles a day, and eat only fresh fruit and raw vegetables. When you hit 65 you need to drop a dress or trouser size every two years and give your old clothes to the grandkids to use as tents.
High blood pressure is another contributing factor. You probably won’t be able to get an appointment with your GP for several months. As an alternative, leeches can be effective at ‘letting the blood’, they will have more time for you and are far better conversationalists
Diabetes is another killer so to speak so avoid donuts, cream, chocolate and essentially anything you enjoy eating. Cream does have other uses, especially for the over 70s who have a willing partner.
Things which make no difference include taking vitamin tablets. Point that out to your bozo, healthy-living friends and sell your shares in ‘health companies’
‘Brain exercise’ makes absolutely no difference. Sudoku and cryptic crosswords are as much a waste of time as they are a, er, waste of time. At last, sanity has been scientifically proven.
Being sociable was not shown to have an influence on whether or not you get dementia. However, people with friends found they were increasingly keen to point out how forgetful they were, especially when it came to paying for a round. Which they shouldn’t have been doing anyway.
The best friends are Facebook friends who aren’t really friends at all, and it’s so easy to dump the bad ones.
Finally, the WHO report says you should not drink or smoke, take drugs, watch daytime TV or eat more than one Greggs’ pasty per week.
You may not live to be 100 but it will sure feel like it.
Should euthanasia be compulsory? If so at what age?
If you only had 24 hours to live – which will be true at one point in your life (this is NOT the place for maudlin, naval-gazing sentiment) – who would you most like to shag and who would you most like to kill?
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