The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

8, February 2019

“We’re rootin’ for Putin” tops Russian pop charts for ninth month in a row. “We don’t want to go to Siberia,” says band

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"We're rootin' for Putin" tops Russian charts! "We don't want to go to Siberia," say band!

“We’re rootin’ for Putin” tops Russian charts! “We don’t want to go to Siberia,” say band!

Doggy Riot is Russia’s latest top boy band and has topped the Russian charts for over 9 months with their hit single “We’re rootin’ for Putin.”

Inspiration for their name came from the ill-fated Pussy Riot, a punk rock protest group that sang songs about Putin being a dictator and who Putin sent to the Siberian salt mines for a very long time until they realised he wasn’t.

Founder member, Ivan Ivanov, 21, said: “We want edgy name like Pussy Riot but we are boys so we are Dogs. We don’t want to go to salt mines so why protest against Putin? He is leader and can do all he likes. We sing how great he is. Maybe he won’t send us to Siberia.

“We also inspired by US President Donald Trump to make America great again. We tell everyone how great Russia is, especially President Putin, and maybe he won’t send us to salt mines.” Ivanov took a swig from a vodka bottle.

The Doggy Riot’s hit song, “We’re all rootin’ for Putin” contains lyrics in both Russian and English. The chorus goes:

We’re rootin’ for Putin
We’re rootin’ for Putin
There ain’t no disputin’
We’re rootin’ for Putin

Ivanov explained: “Russian difficult language for songs. There are no rhymes for ‘Putin’ so we must use English. ‘Putin’ like your word ‘orange’. Only rhyme for ‘orange’ is ‘door hinge’ and we don’t want to say Putin is like any hinge. We don’t want go to Siberia.”

One of the verses contains these lines:

Let’s go to the Crimea and watch Putin put the boot in
He’s really got his foot in
We don’t need no Rasputin
With Vladimir Putin

When asked if they were concerned their lyrics might be construed as warmongering Ivanov shrugged and drank more vodka.

President Putin was unavailable for comment.

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