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24, February 2019

Veggie restaurants must stay open until 11PM says government in crackdown on lazy vegetarian proprietors

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I'm a chef - not a fucking salad-maker!

I’m a chef – not a fucking salad-maker!

The government is set to introduce legislation to force “lazy vegetarian restaurant owners” to open until at least 11PM six days a week.

The move comes after numerous complaints by vegetarians that they can’t find anywhere to eat after 4PM.

Lucas Silbertson, 28, from Hull said: “It’s bad enough living in Hull but we can’t go out for a meal in the evening like everyone else. There’s only two vegetarian restaurants and they both shut at 4. It’s like a cartel. Just ’cause we’re vegetarian doesn’t mean we all go to bed at 5!”

A government all-party committee looking into the situation found that 87% of vegetarian restaurants close between 4PM and 6Pm and were only open 3 to 4 days each week.

Bowing to allegations of discrimination against healthy eaters, the government aims to produce legislation requiring vegetarian and vegan restaurants to open six days a week until at least 11PM.

A spokesperson for Vegetarian And Green Eateries said: “Tossers, all of ’em! 87% of our members opened veggie restaurants solely to cater for the green set who think it’s ‘in’ and ‘cool’ and ‘fab’ to be vegetarian. Arseholes.

“Show me one chef who likes cooking veggie and I’ll show you a plonker! The fact is, there’s a vociferous minority of veggies who think they deserve the same rights as normal people. They jump up and down on a soap box yelling ‘discrimination’ and the stupid bleedin’ government caves in.

“I tell you, all that’ll happen is that 87% of veggie restaurants will close down and then where will the stupid fuckin’ garden gobling, grass grazing’ veggie nazis be then, eh? Eating weeds out of their own fucking garden, that’s where, ’cause they’ve managed to shut down all the veggie fucking restaurants.

“I know it’s been said before, but somebody ought to shoot them! Then I could get a proper job with a half-decent restaurant association!”

He slunk off, drawing on his sweet-smelling cigarette.

Sian Berry, one of the current leaders of the Green party (although that might change before you read this) said: “This is one of the proposals on our agenda. The government is simply trying to steal Green votes by jumping on the vegetarian wagon.

“But it’ll never work. We know that.”

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