Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

24, February 2019

Veggie restaurants must stay open until 11PM says government in crackdown on lazy vegetarian proprietors

You are awesome for sharing

I'm a chef - not a fucking salad-maker!

I’m a chef – not a fucking salad-maker!

The government is set to introduce legislation to force “lazy vegetarian restaurant owners” to open until at least 11PM six days a week.

The move comes after numerous complaints by vegetarians that they can’t find anywhere to eat after 4PM.

Lucas Silbertson, 28, from Hull said: “It’s bad enough living in Hull but we can’t go out for a meal in the evening like everyone else. There’s only two vegetarian restaurants and they both shut at 4. It’s like a cartel. Just ’cause we’re vegetarian doesn’t mean we all go to bed at 5!”

A government all-party committee looking into the situation found that 87% of vegetarian restaurants close between 4PM and 6Pm and were only open 3 to 4 days each week.

Bowing to allegations of discrimination against healthy eaters, the government aims to produce legislation requiring vegetarian and vegan restaurants to open six days a week until at least 11PM.

A spokesperson for Vegetarian And Green Eateries said: “Tossers, all of ’em! 87% of our members opened veggie restaurants solely to cater for the green set who think it’s ‘in’ and ‘cool’ and ‘fab’ to be vegetarian. Arseholes.

“Show me one chef who likes cooking veggie and I’ll show you a plonker! The fact is, there’s a vociferous minority of veggies who think they deserve the same rights as normal people. They jump up and down on a soap box yelling ‘discrimination’ and the stupid bleedin’ government caves in.

“I tell you, all that’ll happen is that 87% of veggie restaurants will close down and then where will the stupid fuckin’ garden gobling, grass grazing’ veggie nazis be then, eh? Eating weeds out of their own fucking garden, that’s where, ’cause they’ve managed to shut down all the veggie fucking restaurants.

“I know it’s been said before, but somebody ought to shoot them! Then I could get a proper job with a half-decent restaurant association!”

He slunk off, drawing on his sweet-smelling cigarette.

Sian Berry, one of the current leaders of the Green party (although that might change before you read this) said: “This is one of the proposals on our agenda. The government is simply trying to steal Green votes by jumping on the vegetarian wagon.

“But it’ll never work. We know that.”

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: