Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

29, March 2019

“Unsuitable advertising” banned. “We’re really good at banning things,” said minister

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"We must protect people from betting-related harm, particularly football fans," says minister

“We must protect people from betting-related harm, particularly football fans,” says minister

In response to intense lobbying by anti-gaming campaigners, the major sports betting companies have agreed to ban betting adverts during live sports broadcasting events.

Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, Jeremy Wright MP, said: “It is vital children and vulnerable people are protected from the threat of gambling-related harm.”

The ban doesn’t apply to horse racing because they are animals and they need the money.

In other news, the government has come under pressure by road safety campaigners to reduce the number of car adverts shown during any movie or program that includes a car chase. The Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and stuff agreed that we have to protect children and vulnerable people from road-related harm.

Insurance companies are also being asked not to advertise when any type of disaster is being broadcast as that could unfairly encourage people to take out suitable-but-unnecessary insurance. The Secretary of State minister person agreed that there was a danger of over-insurance harm.

A ban on advertising of tampons and condoms during high school dramas is also being proposed on the grounds that it may encourage sex and overt worry in the event of a missed period. Secretary of wherever said he would have to refer that one to his associate in Education but he agreed that we need to protect young people from other young people-related harm.

A further ban on sofas and chairs is proposed during the screening of soaps in case people start to believe that they are watching real life. The Secretary of Culture and other TV programs said it was necessary to protect vulnerable people, such as those who watch soaps, from the harm of having too many seats.

All advertising is to be banned during talent shows in case vulnerable people believe they can do better. Secretary Mr Wright said: “It certainly doesn’t come under my brief of Culture but I would be in favour of banning the programs altogether to prevent incidents of over-inflated opinions of adequacy-harm. And encourage the demise of karaoke.”

In reviewing the advertising bans, the State Media Culture bloke agreed and added: “People are incapable of making sensible decisions by themselves so it’s important that we protect them from themselves.”

A spokesperson for the BBC said: “oh goody. With the drop in revenue for the commercial channels, we’ll be able to increase the license fee again!”

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