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In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

29, March 2019

“Unsuitable advertising” banned. “We’re really good at banning things,” said minister

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"We must protect people from betting-related harm, particularly football fans," says minister

“We must protect people from betting-related harm, particularly football fans,” says minister

In response to intense lobbying by anti-gaming campaigners, the major sports betting companies have agreed to ban betting adverts during live sports broadcasting events.

Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, Jeremy Wright MP, said: “It is vital children and vulnerable people are protected from the threat of gambling-related harm.”

The ban doesn’t apply to horse racing because they are animals and they need the money.

In other news, the government has come under pressure by road safety campaigners to reduce the number of car adverts shown during any movie or program that includes a car chase. The Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and stuff agreed that we have to protect children and vulnerable people from road-related harm.

Insurance companies are also being asked not to advertise when any type of disaster is being broadcast as that could unfairly encourage people to take out suitable-but-unnecessary insurance. The Secretary of State minister person agreed that there was a danger of over-insurance harm.

A ban on advertising of tampons and condoms during high school dramas is also being proposed on the grounds that it may encourage sex and overt worry in the event of a missed period. Secretary of wherever said he would have to refer that one to his associate in Education but he agreed that we need to protect young people from other young people-related harm.

A further ban on sofas and chairs is proposed during the screening of soaps in case people start to believe that they are watching real life. The Secretary of Culture and other TV programs said it was necessary to protect vulnerable people, such as those who watch soaps, from the harm of having too many seats.

All advertising is to be banned during talent shows in case vulnerable people believe they can do better. Secretary Mr Wright said: “It certainly doesn’t come under my brief of Culture but I would be in favour of banning the programs altogether to prevent incidents of over-inflated opinions of adequacy-harm. And encourage the demise of karaoke.”

In reviewing the advertising bans, the State Media Culture bloke agreed and added: “People are incapable of making sensible decisions by themselves so it’s important that we protect them from themselves.”

A spokesperson for the BBC said: “oh goody. With the drop in revenue for the commercial channels, we’ll be able to increase the license fee again!”

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