With over 1/3rd of Japan’s population over the age of 65, the government has implemented a “second life” scheme offering them part-time work to keep them fit, active and feel a part of the community.
The UK is to implement a similar scheme. A spokesperson for the Department for Works & Pensions said: “There’s far too many old people getting free rides on busses and sitting around in parks all day.
“We could really do with more bin collectors. The current crop are sloppy and go on strike too often. And they miss around 17,000 bins each week. Old folks are far more conscientious.
“The police are severely under-manned 1 we could put a few in there. We need more Bobbies on the beat so they could go around in twos for safety. We could use the experience of those with 60 plus years of driving in car chases. These young coppers knock down far too many pedestrians.
“We’re also running an A&E crash course so they can help junior doctors at hospitals. My Nan was very good with a band aid, and when I was ill she always knew what was wrong.
“We can also give them part-time jobs in the military. It’s all about numbers, boots on the ground and all that. They could split patrols into two shifts so they don’t get tired. I’m sure lots of pensioners would like to travel more, fire a gun and kill people, especially foreigners.
“We’re also opening up a laboratory testing facility. There’s so much campaigning against testing on animals, we’ll use old people instead. They’ll be able to give better feedback and if one of them has a really adverse reaction or dies, well, they were nearing the end of their allotted span anyway, and it’s job well done.
“So it’s win-win as we see it. The old people get something useful to do and don’t die from obesity and flatulence, and because they won’t actually be working full-time, we can pay them less with fewer benefits. They cost the NHS enough as it is!
“There’s lots they could do instead of sitting around eating Greggs’ pasties and watching EastEnders.
“I think the Chancellor will be making an announcement in the budget.”