The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

14, February 2019

It Begum’s belief! UK plans to open doors to terrorists and release murderers. “It’s only fair,” says Home office

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Let 'em all in - we're British!

Let ’em all in – we’re British!

Shamima Begum, 19, who left the UK in 2015 to fight for IS, the so-called Islamic State, wants to return to the UK to have her baby. She says she has no regrets joining IS and found the sight of severed heads in bins quite jolly but now she wants a comfy life and to be looked after by the UK government and the NHS.

A spokesperson for UK security said: “She’s been fighting for IS, a terrorist organisation responsible for the cowardly and brutal murder of over 2000 people and the injury of thousands more all across the globe including many Britons, and now she wants us to look after her.

“Being British, I suppose we will. There’s probably some stupid EU law that says we have to do it. The sooner we get out of this damn bureaucratic EU farce the better. Oops, don’t quote me on that, I’m supposed to be neutral.”

In another statement issued by the Home Office, the government said: “In light of the Begum affair, it was also considering pardoning and release all prisoners convicted of murder, rape, gun and knife crimes, aggravated assault, and crimes against the state. After all, we’re British and it’s only fair.”

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