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6, June 2019

Tory leader wannabes must duel it out

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Boris Johnson and Michael Gove duel it out for the Tory leadership. Boris asks Gove: "Don't you usually approach your opponents from behind?"

Boris Johnson and Michael Gove duel it out for the Tory leadership. Boris asks Gove: “Don’t you usually approach your opponents from behind?”

The contest for the Tory Leadership had Tory MPs oozing out of the woodwork. So much so, that even Rent-O-Kill couldn’t stem the flow.

However, this has not pleased the cabal known as the 1922 Committee. This is the Tory equivalent of the Illuminati, which makes rules about leadership challenges, as well as running the world economy and taxing the poor.

The Committee decided there are too many combatants contestants and the party needs to elect a new leader PDQ. They forced the old one, Theresa May, to resign as she was as much use as a pin in a condom factory.

However, with all the Tory MPs jumping up and shouting: “Me! Me! Me!” the cabal has decided the party needs a better and faster method of leader selection.

They are, therefore, proposing to use the old Etonian duelling rules with which most Tories are familiar.

Swords and pistols failed to find exception in the Firearms and Dangerous Weapons Act so duelling it technically against the law, at least as it applies to common folk.

The exchanges will take place in a secret location at dawn. The winner of each round will go on to duel one of the other winners until only one is left standing.

The new selection method will weed out the namby-pamby contestants who will not want to muss their suits.

It will also eliminate those who did not take duelling lessons at their public school. That is unless they are very stupid in which case the challenge will effectively remove them from both the contest and the Tory party. That must be a bit of a win-win.

The Committee expects the matter to be settle within an hour which suits the timescale perfectly.

Theresa May has declined to act as a second.

Ref: BBC News Tory leadership contest: Rule change agreed to limit candidates

Who is your preferred rapier manufacturer?
What’s a better way to select a Tory leader – fire walking or liar’s dice?
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