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11, October 2019

Time-strapped execs don’t dry hands after toilet break

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If you're a non-drier you may need to forsake fashion and wear clothes with pockets large enough to accommodate a paper towel

If you’re a non-drier you may need to forsake fashion and wear clothes with pockets large enough to accommodate a paper towel

Feature by guest reporter Oliver Matejka

87% of FTSE 100 executives wash but do not dry their hands after trips to the lavatory, a new Bogás Research study found.

The bog hack used by almost nine out of ten of the country’s top chief executives saves an average of 22 seconds per visit. That’s two minutes twelve seconds per day.

In salary term that saves the company, on average, £85,020 per year or until the executive is fired whichever comes first, unless they’ve been golden-handshaked into a package which makes the economics of the situation too complex to discuss here.

Despite flouting traditional urinary best practice, advocates of the method draw attention to the fact it does not sacrifice hygiene “as bacteria is terminated primarily by the soap and water”.

Before leaving the facilities, all those surveyed admitted to putting a paper towel in left and right trouser pockets.

This is a precaution in case it’s necessary to shake the hands of an oligarch soon after using the toilet.

In such instances the executive will typically make small-talk while furiously drying their hands in their pockets. To an observer, this is a give-away sign of a non-drier although to the uninitiated the act can appear slightly more sycophantic.

The other 13% of surveyed executives confessed to not washing their hands at all. The decline in hygiene was justified by saving the company and estimated £157,201 per year.

91% of that group were in the food industry.

Oliver Matejka sells words and makes videos


What’s the worst disease you’ve caught from a FTSE 100 executive?
Paper towels or hot air drier?
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