The Competition and Markets Authority (CMA) has ruled that all major supermarkets must merge before the end of the year.
Following the application by supermarket giants Asda and Sainsbury’s to merge, the CMA said if these mergers keep up, there will soon be only one supermarket.
“And that’s when we got this brilliant idea!” said a CMA spokesperson.
Asda and Sainsbury’s had promised to pass on £1bn of savings to customers including cheaper pizza, chips, and beer, half-price Hobnobs, more beer, and a free lettuce with every pack of tomatoes. Then, remembering that they operated in a nanny state, they back-tracked on the beer.
The CMA said that if just two supermarkets can offer such “magnificent” savings, a merger of them all would surely be to the benefit of the consumer.
Tesco said it was already planning to discount 1001 items and could see no benefit in an all-in-one merger. Later, however, when informed of directors’ share options, CEO, Dave Lewis, said: “We could further discount our ride-upon lawn mowers, I suppose. We definitely won’t cut the price of beer. Who drinks that stuff, anyway?”
Waitrose said the proposal had merit and the company could offer discounts on everyday essentials such as champagne flute glasses, lobster thermidor and the AAA batteries women use in personal items. It also said it would cut the price of its imported barley beverages although the price of beer would remain unchanged.
Morrisons said trading conditions were difficult and a merger would be beneficial to all. It proposed cuts to its range of hot-cross buns, Mothers’ Day cards and Christmas tinsel decorations.
No one asked the Co-Op or Iceland for a comment.
Lidl and Aldi weren’t included in the proposals as they’re foreign. And already kicking ass in the high street.
The CMA chair, ex-Tory-MP Andrew Tyrie, has a lot of experience sitting on boards telling people what to do so he is in a perfect position to tell supermarkets what to do and to know what’s best for the man in the street.
“Every little helps!”