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Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Tag Archives for " Science & Tech "

Smart Apps force you to obey your smart phone. Read at your own risk

It'll never happen

A technology company has developed smart phone apps that force users to obey ‘hidden’ commands. Games and apps already make users check for updates and buy in-app ‘skills’ but HypnoTec has taken the principle a stage further. The FeelGood app produces a feeling of euphoria. Scientists say it’s not dissimilar to the effect of marijuana […]

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Mountain Air scam: Bottled ‘Mountain Air’ not bottled in mountains

Does your bottled air come from the mountains or Dagenham? Can you really, really tell?

A company has been accused of making millions of pounds from gullible consumers by selling bottled ‘mountain air’ that is no better than the air they can get for free. An investigation has revealed that the Mountain Air Company has been scamming customers by selling air that was not bottled in the mountains. In a […]

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Available NOW -Young Scientist Plastic Waste Experiment Kit

With the Young Scientist Plastic Waste Experiment Kit, discover how much plastic it takes to kill your fish

Yes, kids, now you can have your very own Plastic Waste Experiment Kit. Do with your plastic exactly what the grownups do. Promises years of fun. Scientifically educational. The kit comes complete with: 24 miniature plastic bottles Packaging from 12 packets of spaghetti and other pasta (not supplied) Packaging from 6 individually-wrapped vegetables (not supplied) […]

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Police facial recognition system full of duplicate images it can’t recognise

Good job she's not black, male, unarmed and living in America or she'd be dead by now

A roll-out of facial recognition systems by police around the UK has lead to a fracas in the force. The system is run by German company Cognitec which is filching millions of pounds from the British taxpayer. Plus ça change. The company gets paid in British pounds for the number images on the system and […]

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Foodie’s dream – Food that makes you want to eat more

If your food's made in a place like this it'll be tasty, cheap, last for ages and make you able to eat more

In a world where excess is praised and the obese regarded as super sexy – eat your heart out Sarah Jessica Parker, although she was never really sexy anyway – researchers and nutritionists have finally produced food that makes you want to eat more. The secret is called ultra-processing. It involves running the food through […]

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WHO: the best cure for dementia is to die young

Take your blue pill, give her flowers, bring lubricant, and if she doesn't slam the door in your face you may not have denentia

After 72 years of extensive research, the World Health Organisation has come up with a list of recommendations to stop you getting dementia. Dementia is a debilitating and eventually fatal illness with no cure. It typically affects the elderly, so as the years go by there will be fewer and fewer Brexit supporters and more […]

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“Pedo” is a “Pedalo” says Musk in Thai cave rescue case

Elon Musk's super-sub was just a few feet too big to navigate the narrow Thai Tham Luang caves

Elon Musk is the multi-billionaire owner of too many big businesses and expensive things to name, mainly because we can’t be arsed to do the research. Anyway, he’s been told by a Los Angeles judge that he must defend his Tweets, since deleted, calling a cave rescuer a “pedo”. Vern Unsworth helped rescue 12 schoolboys […]

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Dogs unhappy about humans dying out and leaving the planet in such a f*cking mess

Zak watches as we cut down another forest forcing a hundred thousand animal and plant species into extinction, and wonders where he's going to bury his bones now

As dog IQ increases and human IQ decreases, dogs are still set to take over the world by 2050. However, by that time humans will have so fucked-up the planet that there won’t be much left for the dogs to take over. Zak is a 4-year old Border Collie, currently reckoned to be the smartest […]

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