Tag Archives for " Politics "
Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier
Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride
Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome
Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”
Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested
To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!
Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown
Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!
The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines
Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair
Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”
James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat
“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”
Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!
Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail
During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion
“Cut pension perks,” say peers with £100k a year pensions
Peers in the House of Lords have recommended cutting pension perks such as free TV licenses for the over 75s, bus passes and the winter fuel allowance. Members of the House of Lords get £305 per day for attending plus expenses and subsidies. Many are on £100+K pensions but they are still in the perfect […]
Tell me more...!Political jokes outlawed. Politicians declared protected species
After years of jokes and satirical remarks about the incompetence, the greed and the deceitfulness of MPs, the government has passed a bill declaring all MPs a ‘protected species’. No one will be allowed to take pot shots at them, literally or figuratively, under pain of incarceration and removal of their typing fingers. Undercover police […]
Tell me more...!“I can’t wait to try on Lizzie’s crown,” says Trump. “King of America is a very great idea.”
US President Donald Trump is said to be “very bigly thrilled” at his up-coming state visit to the UK. He is particularly looking forward to spending time with the Queen again after his “working visit” two years ago. “We got on so well, very greatly well. We’re BFF,” he said. “She’s just an ordinary person. […]
Tell me more...!New Bank of England governor wanted – we offer four ideal candidates
To be governor of the Bank of England you don’t have to be good at financial forecasting, just at making promises and not keeping them. A pathological liar or a political background would be ideal. Current incumbent, Canadian Mark Carney, continuously hinted at interest rate rises but back-stepped after failing to anticipate financial swings or […]
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24, April 2019
- in Politics , UK by Ed Mann
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- 2 comments
Police contract with criminals – we won’t nick you if you steal bikes
Due to severe police funding cuts and increases in crime, the police have reached a “gentlemen’s agreement” with criminals. The police won’t pursue “petty crimes” if the criminals cut down on violent crime. In a dingy pub on the lower east side we met with an undercover police officer who cannot be named for fear […]
Tell me more...!Extinction Rebellion to be housed in French refugee camp. “French are so good with protesters,” says Home Office
With Extinction Rebellion arrests running into thousands, the UK is experiencing a “custodial accommodation” shortage. EU Human Rights law rules out options where they might otherwise be detained such as hostels for the homeless, temporary social housing and half-way houses. Therefore, detainees are now being held in hotels and B&Bs. A Home Office spokesperson said: […]
Tell me more...!Diane Abbott apologises for drinking M&S Mojito. “I should have made my own”
Diane Abbott, Shadow Home Secretary, has apologised for drinking a can of M&S Mojito on a train. “I didn’t have time to do a proper shop,” she explained. “Otherwise I would have made my own. The M&S can was refreshing but hardly Tom Cruise standard,” she laughed, referencing the movie, Cocktail starring Tom Cruise. “I […]
Tell me more...!Death duty to kick in at 67. “We can’t wait till you’re dead for your money,” says Gov
Due to the rise in life expectancy, the burgeoning cost of looking after the aged and reckless government spending, new laws will see ‘death duty’ applied when you reach 67. It will no longer be called Inheritance Tax (IHT) but DDT (Double Death Tax) and it will come into effect next year to minimise the […]
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