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Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Tag Archives for " Business "

WHO: the best cure for dementia is to die young

Take your blue pill, give her flowers, bring lubricant, and if she doesn't slam the door in your face you may not have denentia

After 72 years of extensive research, the World Health Organisation has come up with a list of recommendations to stop you getting dementia. Dementia is a debilitating and eventually fatal illness with no cure. It typically affects the elderly, so as the years go by there will be fewer and fewer Brexit supporters and more […]

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“Pedo” is a “Pedalo” says Musk in Thai cave rescue case

Elon Musk's super-sub was just a few feet too big to navigate the narrow Thai Tham Luang caves

Elon Musk is the multi-billionaire owner of too many big businesses and expensive things to name, mainly because we can’t be arsed to do the research. Anyway, he’s been told by a Los Angeles judge that he must defend his Tweets, since deleted, calling a cave rescuer a “pedo”. Vern Unsworth helped rescue 12 schoolboys […]

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Dogs unhappy about humans dying out and leaving the planet in such a f*cking mess

Zak watches as we cut down another forest forcing a hundred thousand animal and plant species into extinction, and wonders where he's going to bury his bones now

As dog IQ increases and human IQ decreases, dogs are still set to take over the world by 2050. However, by that time humans will have so fucked-up the planet that there won’t be much left for the dogs to take over. Zak is a 4-year old Border Collie, currently reckoned to be the smartest […]

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Climate change, bio extinction. – it’s too late. We’re f*cked. Don’t have any more babies warns UN

Look upon your works - and party like there's no tomorrow. Because there's not

The inevitable catastrophe of climate change has been compounded by a UN report revealing that humans are killing over one million animal and plant species. That’s over a quarter of life on the planet, excluding humans, of course, and the inhabitants of America. The world population has doubled since 1970, due to low-quality condoms, child […]

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9, May 2019

Formula for start-up success revealed as gobshite front man

Another successful Bullshitting graduate off to wrest billions from stupid unsuspecting banks and venture capitalists

Researchers have finally revealed what it takes for a start-up company to secure funding. The Financial University of Credit and Knowledge has been teaching the secret to undergraduates for over 20 years. Their graduates include past leaders of dozens of high-valued start-ups which have crashed spectacularly. To arrive at its formula, the University analysed over […]

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Government solves Welsh mountain queue problems by making them hills

Mount Snowdon is now Hill Snowdon. The Welsh will no longer be plagued by hoards of tourists who will now be shuffled off to Scotland

The influx of tourist to Wales’ mountains has revealed severe problems for visitors. There is a shortage of parking, toilets, refreshment facilities, and too many locals are speaking in a Welsh accent. The popularity of beauty spots such as Snowdon and Pen y Fan is because they are beauty spots. And mountains. At 1085m Snowdon […]

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Fitness trackers for the unfit – they take off the calories so you don’t have to

Huawei has developed a new fitness tracker that over-reports activity levels and calories used, and stores the data on a srver in China. The new Huawei WatchNot 2 is aimed at obese and lazy people or, as the advertising puts it, “those with an excessive lifestyle”. It’s for anyone who desperately wants to lose weight […]

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27, April 2019

Kill Order. “In an emergency, driverless cars will target old people,” say researchers

Old folks watch out. The cars are coming for you first... After teenage hoodies.

Driverless car AI (Artificial Intelligence) units will be programmed to kill old people, second only to teenage hoodies. In the event of an unavoidable accident, a driver – human or AI –has to make a decision about which obstacle to hit. In other words the car must make a choice between hitting and possibly killing […]

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