“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Tag Archives for " Business "

25, April 2019

New Bank of England governor wanted – we offer four ideal candidates

The new governor of the Bank of England? Makes sound financial decisions, politically neutral and works for peanuts!

To be governor of the Bank of England you don’t have to be good at financial forecasting, just at making promises and not keeping them. A pathological liar or a political background would be ideal. Current incumbent, Canadian Mark Carney, continuously hinted at interest rate rises but back-stepped after failing to anticipate financial swings or […]

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Advertising watchdog rules misleading adverts must stop

Sinking under a barge of consumer complaints plus pressure from subsidised TV channels such as the BBC, the Advertising Watchdog has ruled that adverts that do not “tell the truth” will be banned from next month. The new ruling covers hyperbole, exaggerated claims, misleading information and lies. The food industry is expected to be hit […]

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EU makes tech giants responsible for controlling online copyright material. “That’s fine,” said Google. “We control everything else.”

The EU has voted in a controversial copyright law which holds tech companies responsible for material their users upload. So if Little Tamsin should suffer a brain haemorrhage and decide she wants to upload a Justin Bieber track to YouTube to impress or annoy her friends, then YouTube would carry the can for copyright breech. […]

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8, April 2019

Government enforces big business pay rise structure – the worse you do, the more you get

Drop your share price, lose 3/4m cutomers, sack 4,000 workers and you, too, could get £m bonuses like this!

To keep in step with current trends, the UK Government is proposing a new mandatory pay rise structure which will see bosses reaping millions of pounds the WORSE their company performs. A government spokesperson said: “One of our poster boys is Iain Conn, CEO of Centrica which owns British Gas. He lost nearly three-quarters of […]

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Shock! Horror! Newton’s Law applies to Facebook.You could be killing a kitten

Think before you hit that Sad emoji button! You could be giving a banker andother bonus!

Newton’s Law that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction has been discovered to apply to Facebook Reactions such as Like, Heart and the smiley emoticons. Every time you respond to a post with an Angry emoticon, somewhere else someone posts a photo of a puppy in a bow tie sitting in […]

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In a move to prevent gay relationships at Brunei-owned hotels, staff have been instructed to work in opposite-sex pairs

Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah (left) of Brunei admired Putin's strong, manly physique and immediately regretted passing the Sharia law banning gay relationships

In a move to prevent gay relationships at Brunei-owned hotels, staff have been instructed to work in opposite-sex pairsFollowing Brunei’s new laws to flog and stone gay people, staff at the nine luxury hotels owned by the Sultan of Brunei have been instructed to work in opposite-sex pairs at all times. The hotel chain includes […]

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Tech shock of the century. Facebook grants anonymity to all

Artist's impression of the man who attacked Herbet Rawlings in his home as Facebook's

Bowing to unprecedented pressure from users, the media and the government, Facebook has agreed to grant total anonymity and privacy to all users. Just as the change came into force, there were dozens of reports of users being visited by Facebook personnel. One user, Herbert Rawlings, 47, from Blackburn, Lancashire reported that a Facebook representative […]

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