Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Tag Archives for " Business "

Universities apply ‘secret email test’ to student applicants

In a leaked memo, it’s been revealed that Universities are adding a new secret test to all student applications. The Chancellor of a University he did not want to be named said: “While we happily accept all students regardless of race, sexual orientation or economic background, we cannot compromise on intellectual ability, common sense or […]

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New BBC policy to challenge politicians’ veracity

Andrew Neil prepares divisive questions for the next hapless politician to guest on the BBC's new News program:

Feature by guest reporter David Layzelle Following criticism of its stance on party politics, Brexit, and the Trump administration, the BBC has announced a new interview policy. BBC Chairman, Lord Tony Hall, issued an edict stating that every statement made by a politician should be questioned for authenticity. With the BBC Royal Charter, and his […]

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Zuckerberg’s lunch money seized after Facebook data scandal

Mark Zuckerberg pleads with the FTC not to seize his lunch money as it's all that's standing between him and a slap up lunch at the Ritz

The FTC (Federal Trade Commission) has ordered Mark Zuckerberg‘s lunch allowance to be seized following allegations that Facebook has been gathering data on its users. Data the company gathered includes users’ friends and family, where they live, where they went to school, the name of their pet and their favourite swear word. In many cases […]

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NHS to fine patients late for appointments to boost flagging coffers

NHS queues stretch around the playing field. No one wants to be late for their appointment. The doctors will be arriving in a few hours

NHS management to levy a £1-per-minute fine on patients. Ostensibly this is to encourage patients to arrive on time but privately, some management staff admitted it was to boost the NHS’s budget. Mrs Dot Brimstone, 56, attends her local hospital on a weekly basis and said: “Blimey! If I’m late it’s because the bus was […]

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‘Fixers’ send victims take-aways from dirty restaurants as warnings

Strong arm men who threaten people who owe their bosses money have a new method of intimidation. They send them a delivery from a dirty take-away restaurant. In most cases the aim is to intimidate rather than permanently main or kill. Otherwise how would they repay what they owe? Using a third-party company like a […]

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Labour calls for nationalisation of BBC

Gary Lineker was once a famous footballer but now he has to scrape a living working for the BBC

The BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) is in dire straits. Its management team is struggling to pay themselves their pitiful salaries and keep the BBC running at its current level of inefficiency. “The presenters want sooooo much money,” moaned head honcho, director general Tony Hall, who is, understandably, finding it difficult to manage on his meagre […]

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