James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Tag Archives for " Business "

Government solves Welsh mountain queue problems by making them hills

Mount Snowdon is now Hill Snowdon. The Welsh will no longer be plagued by hoards of tourists who will now be shuffled off to Scotland

The influx of tourist to Wales’ mountains has revealed severe problems for visitors. There is a shortage of parking, toilets, refreshment facilities, and too many locals are speaking in a Welsh accent. The popularity of beauty spots such as Snowdon and Pen y Fan is because they are beauty spots. And mountains. At 1085m Snowdon […]

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Fitness trackers for the unfit – they take off the calories so you don’t have to

Huawei has developed a new fitness tracker that over-reports activity levels and calories used, and stores the data on a srver in China. The new Huawei WatchNot 2 is aimed at obese and lazy people or, as the advertising puts it, “those with an excessive lifestyle”. It’s for anyone who desperately wants to lose weight […]

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27, April 2019

Kill Order. “In an emergency, driverless cars will target old people,” say researchers

Old folks watch out. The cars are coming for you first... After teenage hoodies.

Driverless car AI (Artificial Intelligence) units will be programmed to kill old people, second only to teenage hoodies. In the event of an unavoidable accident, a driver – human or AI –has to make a decision about which obstacle to hit. In other words the car must make a choice between hitting and possibly killing […]

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25, April 2019

New Bank of England governor wanted – we offer four ideal candidates

The new governor of the Bank of England? Makes sound financial decisions, politically neutral and works for peanuts!

To be governor of the Bank of England you don’t have to be good at financial forecasting, just at making promises and not keeping them. A pathological liar or a political background would be ideal. Current incumbent, Canadian Mark Carney, continuously hinted at interest rate rises but back-stepped after failing to anticipate financial swings or […]

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Advertising watchdog rules misleading adverts must stop

Sinking under a barge of consumer complaints plus pressure from subsidised TV channels such as the BBC, the Advertising Watchdog has ruled that adverts that do not “tell the truth” will be banned from next month. The new ruling covers hyperbole, exaggerated claims, misleading information and lies. The food industry is expected to be hit […]

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EU makes tech giants responsible for controlling online copyright material. “That’s fine,” said Google. “We control everything else.”

The EU has voted in a controversial copyright law which holds tech companies responsible for material their users upload. So if Little Tamsin should suffer a brain haemorrhage and decide she wants to upload a Justin Bieber track to YouTube to impress or annoy her friends, then YouTube would carry the can for copyright breech. […]

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8, April 2019

Government enforces big business pay rise structure – the worse you do, the more you get

Drop your share price, lose 3/4m cutomers, sack 4,000 workers and you, too, could get £m bonuses like this!

To keep in step with current trends, the UK Government is proposing a new mandatory pay rise structure which will see bosses reaping millions of pounds the WORSE their company performs. A government spokesperson said: “One of our poster boys is Iain Conn, CEO of Centrica which owns British Gas. He lost nearly three-quarters of […]

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