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13, November 2019

Supreme Court gives Canterbury Cathedral to Satanists

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From his cosy HQ, Head of the Canterbury Satanists, Professor Bartholomew Wiggins, contemplates the cost of heating Canterbury Cathedral

From his cosy HQ, Head of the Canterbury Satanists, Professor Bartholomew Wiggins, contemplates the cost of heating Canterbury Cathedral

The disputed site on which Canterbury Cathedral sits should be given to Satanists the Supreme Court has ruled.

The Church of England has been granted a five acre site down the road in some woods with permission to build a new cathedral.

In a dispute that has raged for 1422 years, Satanists claim the site was where Satan first appeared to his followers in a time before Christ and they claim rights to the land through historical and religious precedent.

Head Satanist of the local Canterbury Cult, Professor Bartholomew Wiggins said: “Satanists were performing their rites on this site since before Jesus was a glint in his father’s eye.

“They got along just fine with the local population, apart from the odd sacrifice and virgin deflowering, of course. But they never buggered off to Jerusalem to butcher a few million Mussies, so we’re far less blood-thirsty.

“And because we’re a minority religion, the Chrissies nabbed the site while we were on a works outing and built a damn cathedral on it.

“It’s sacrilege, I tell you. But at least the land has now been return to its rightful inheritors.”

A spokesperson for the Dean of Canterbury Cathedral said: “Of course we’re incredibly disappointed. I can only suppose our flock were not praying hard enough.

“It’s so difficult to get them to do anything these days unless it’s a raffle or a fete with a TOWIE celebrity. That’s The Only Way Is Essex in case you didn’t know. We’re not totally behind the times.”

Professor Wiggins later said: “Normally we’d celebrate with a summoning but we haven’t done it for a while so we’re a little out of practise.

“Originally, we were going to pull down the building and build a hut or something for our coven. I mean, the heating costs must be phenomenal. We were going to keep the gargoyles, though.

“However, we’re now considering renting it back to them and building our own place on the land they were allocated if they’ll do a swap.

“We just need a changing hut, really, with tea-making facilities. And a heater would be nice. We like woods. Harder to tell who’s who if the robes slip, too.

“I mean, no one’s really sure where Beelzebub first popped up. It may have been the woods, who knows?”

When informed of the news, the Cathedral spokesperson said: “I take it all back. Our prayers have been heard after all. Our congregation will be so relieved and we won’t have to cancel the croquet match.”

Professor Wiggins concluded: “We still have all the best tunes.”

Ref: BBC News Ayodhya verdict: Indian top court gives holy site to Hindus

Who mostly answers your prayers – god or the devil?
Last time you were in church, how much did you nick from the collection plate?
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