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Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

2, March 2019

Revolutionary new tooth decay prevention aid – the Masticator!

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The Masticator does all the chewing so your teeth don't have to!

The Masticator does all the chewing so your teeth don’t have to!

Since scientists discovered that the Number One cause of tooth decay is chewing food with your teeth, dentists have been working day and night to find a solution to the problem.

The result is the Masticator!

This incredible device does all the work that your teeth normally do saving them from the hardship of actually having to chew anything and thereby staving off the ravages of tooth decay.

Scientists say the device has only so far been tested on mice but the results are promising and they hope to develop a version suitable for humans within the next eight or nine years.

Lead dental surgeon, Dr “Painless” Peter Potter, said: “It’s early days but it looks like the Masticator could do the job of our teeth, thereby saving them the tooth decay dangers of actually having to chew food.”

When pushed on the eventual cost of the Masticator, Dr Potter said: “It will be very affordable but poor people can probably share one between a whole family – as long as they don’t want to eat at the same time. Or don’t mind cold food. So it would be okay for salads, gazpacho, and the like.

“The state of our nation’s teeth is our utmost priority and until we’re able to perfect the Masticator (and, between you and me, we’re rapidly running out of animals to experiment on) we encourage people to eat soups and saps and not let any food touch their teeth. And don’t chew!”

Dr Potter is also the major shareholder in Masticator Ltd.

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