Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

26, September 2019

Queen places small ad for Royal Executioner

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By Royal Appointment: with the current level of redundancies, the position is not expected to be short of applicants

By Royal Appointment: with the current level of redundancies, the position is not expected to be short of applicants

A small ad in the back pages of Private Eye magazine reads:

WANTED: discreet gentleman to perform state duty on rare occasions. Yearly stipend. Would suit sushi chef or disgraced abattoir worker. Must have own axe. Box XXX


The reply is to a private Box number which has been traced in the past to Palace officials.

It’s well-known that Private Eye is one of the Queen‘s favourite magazines and is delivered by hand in a plain brown envelope to one of the Palace’s back doors. A Palace insider confirmed that the magazine is placed in the Royal privy and is quickly ‘used up’.

The Palace officially denied placing the ad.

The Palace insider reported that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was “extremely vexed” at being dragged into the political spotlight and had, in private, considered reinstating some “constitutional formalities” which would “dissuade” others from “taking advantage of one.”

The Palace source added that commissions had already been sent out for a butcher’s block, some straw, a large wicker basket and several bottles of Domestos.

They added that the Duke of Edinburgh thought it would be “rather jolly” to see a mop of hair mounted on a spike by Traitors’ Gate.

The Queen is said to be considering the idea but said: “One constitutional reform at a time.”

Ref: BBC News Supreme Court ruling leaves Queen in middle of political storm

What’s the worst constitutional scandal you’ve been responsible for?
How sharp is your axe?
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