Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

19, February 2019

Pope Francis to give fortune to the poor! “Over my dead body, ya dingo!” says Cardinal George Pell,

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"I know we've treated you really badly, but here's a blessing!"

“I know we’ve treated you really badly, but here’s a blessing!”

After visiting dozens of impoverished countries over the last few years, Pope Francis has announced that he intends to give away half the church’s fortune to the poor.

This comes hot on the heels of yet more abuse and financial scandals for the Catholic church at a time when many people are wondering if the Pope has things under control.

The announcement has sent waves of panic through Vatican City as Cardinals contemplate losing their chauffeur-driven limousines and generous expense accounts.

The newly-appointed Australian in charge of Vatican finances,, Cardinal George Pell remarked: “He [the Pope] only appointed me to be a scapegoat. I’m finally getting the finances under control after all the embezzlement and stuff, and he wants to give it all away! I don’t think so, cobber.”

It’s not clear whether the Pope intends to give away half the fortune of the entire Catholic church or just that of Vatican City. The Catholic church worldwide is estimated to be worth around $200 billion. The Vatican is only worth around $15 billion. Neither pay any tax.

According to world poverty expert, Jeffrey Sachs, author of The End of Poverty, to eliminate world poverty would only cost around $175 billion. That might seem a lot but it’s less than 1% of the incomes of the richest countries in the world.

To eliminate child poverty would be considerably less.

America could eliminate its own child poverty for half the cost of the Senate tax bill. That’s Republicans for you.

In the UK,child poverty costs the taxpayer almost £40 billion each year in child services and lost income. To eliminate child poverty would cost a fraction of that. But that’s the Tories for you.

The Pope said: “We have let down the children so badly. Now we must try to make amends.”

A spokesman for the Vatican who did not want to eb named (but who was wearing scarlet robes) said: “It’ll never happen.”

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