A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

29, April 2019

Political jokes outlawed. Politicians declared protected species

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Political jokes banned. Politicians now a protected faeces (oops)

Political jokes banned. Politicians now a protected faeces (oops)

After years of jokes and satirical remarks about the incompetence, the greed and the deceitfulness of MPs, the government has passed a bill declaring all MPs a ‘protected species’.

No one will be allowed to take pot shots at them, literally or figuratively, under pain of incarceration and removal of their typing fingers.

Undercover police will be stationed at comedy clubs to ensure no comedian cracks any political jokes. Although not in uniform, they will be wearing black shirts to blend in with the gloomy club atmosphere.

Newspapers have been ordered to sack their political cartoonists, many of whom have gone underground to produce illegal cartoon hand-outs. You can find them in most cities if you know which back alleys to visit.

On-line publications including The Onion and The Daily Mash have been blocked although knowledgeable web users can still access the sites through proxy servers.

Recordings of TV programs such as Spitting Image; Yes, Minister; and Drop the Dead Donkey have been destroyed. Current ‘news event’ programs including Mock the Week and Have I Got News for You have been immediately cancelled.

YouTube has been ordered to remove all clips and excerpts which make any reference to any politician or political topic.

Publications such as Private Eye have been shut down although they are expected to continue running as an underground operation.

Private Eye editor, Ian Hislop, said: “If we’re no longer official, no one will be able to sue us. It’s an ill wind…”

One MP, who wanted to remain anonymous but who had a posh southern accent, said: “It’s jolly well hard enough doing our job without every Tom, Dick and Harry having a go.

“Even if we did take a long time to order pizza, these decisions aren’t easy.”

A spokesperson for the newly-formed Ministry of Anti-Political Affairs added: “You don’t make fun of the Irish, Muslims or black people any more. Why should MPs be any different?

“Besides, freedom of speech has always been over-rated!”

Is freedom of speech over-rated?
Should there be legal restritions on what you can tell jokes about (more than there already are)?
Tell us your favourite non-PC joke, anyway.
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