The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

29, April 2019

Political jokes outlawed. Politicians declared protected species

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Political jokes banned. Politicians now a protected faeces (oops)

Political jokes banned. Politicians now a protected faeces (oops)

After years of jokes and satirical remarks about the incompetence, the greed and the deceitfulness of MPs, the government has passed a bill declaring all MPs a ‘protected species’.

No one will be allowed to take pot shots at them, literally or figuratively, under pain of incarceration and removal of their typing fingers.

Undercover police will be stationed at comedy clubs to ensure no comedian cracks any political jokes. Although not in uniform, they will be wearing black shirts to blend in with the gloomy club atmosphere.

Newspapers have been ordered to sack their political cartoonists, many of whom have gone underground to produce illegal cartoon hand-outs. You can find them in most cities if you know which back alleys to visit.

On-line publications including The Onion and The Daily Mash have been blocked although knowledgeable web users can still access the sites through proxy servers.

Recordings of TV programs such as Spitting Image; Yes, Minister; and Drop the Dead Donkey have been destroyed. Current ‘news event’ programs including Mock the Week and Have I Got News for You have been immediately cancelled.

YouTube has been ordered to remove all clips and excerpts which make any reference to any politician or political topic.

Publications such as Private Eye have been shut down although they are expected to continue running as an underground operation.

Private Eye editor, Ian Hislop, said: “If we’re no longer official, no one will be able to sue us. It’s an ill wind…”

One MP, who wanted to remain anonymous but who had a posh southern accent, said: “It’s jolly well hard enough doing our job without every Tom, Dick and Harry having a go.

“Even if we did take a long time to order pizza, these decisions aren’t easy.”

A spokesperson for the newly-formed Ministry of Anti-Political Affairs added: “You don’t make fun of the Irish, Muslims or black people any more. Why should MPs be any different?

“Besides, freedom of speech has always been over-rated!”

Is freedom of speech over-rated?
Should there be legal restritions on what you can tell jokes about (more than there already are)?
Tell us your favourite non-PC joke, anyway.
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