“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

1, November 2019

Political Correctness group lobby to un-Spot Dick

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Dotty Johnson proudly displays her Spotted Dicks

Dotty Johnson proudly displays her Spotted Dicks

Feature by guest reporter Paula Houseman

Political correctionistas have come down on the beloved, traditional English steamed pudding, Spotted Dick.

The PCers have taken umbrage to the name, which is “not gender-neutral, sounds like an STD, and isn’t good for tourism”.

Crusading for a name change, they took to the streets of London en masse dressed in black suits and brandishing placards.

“Knackwurst… or is it best?” read one.

“Time to hide the salami!” read another.

An oppositional faction of pastry chefs gathered in their customary starched white hats, white double-breasted jackets, and black-and-white houndstooth pants. They lobbed fine-tuned insults at the group.

“It’s not a sausage, you morons,” one pâtissier yelled at them.

“Boring!” yelled another at a placard-bearer suggesting Spotted Dick be amended to “Currant Thing”.

The situation remained black and white. With no one breaking for lunch, police had to intervene as the two camps faced off.

Meanwhile, politicians left the House with their ears pricked up to see if they could pick up any juicy tidbits to hurl at their political opponents.

The PCers had little street cred, or any other cred.

With a groundswell of support from Everyman, the left-wing lot (with some confusing right-wing tendencies) eventually abandoned their campaign.

The chefs toasted their success with milkshakes, which had been banned some months ago from these demonstrations because activists were tossing them instead of drinking them.

Dotty Johnson, who comes from a long line of bakers, said: “A leopard never changes ’is spots … regardless of where ’is spots are, so keep your bleedin‘ ’ands off my Dick.”

Paula Houseman writes earthy rom-coms and doesn’t suffer twats gracefully. Find her at Paula Houseman
Get her earthy reads on Amazon at Paula Houseman books


Should we dick with the name of our pud?
Are chefs’ hats too stiff?
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