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24, April 2019

Police contract with criminals – we won’t nick you if you steal bikes

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The police turned out in force to investigate the spate of robberies, burglaries, bag snatches, car thefts, break-ins and shoplifting that had been plaguing the area for the past ten years.

The police turned out in force to investigate the spate of robberies, burglaries, bag snatches, car thefts, break-ins and shoplifting that had been plaguing the area for the past ten years.

Due to severe police funding cuts and increases in crime, the police have reached a “gentlemen’s agreement” with criminals. The police won’t pursue “petty crimes” if the criminals cut down on violent crime.

In a dingy pub on the lower east side we met with an undercover police officer who cannot be named for fear of getting hanged, drawn and quartered. They said: “We don’t have the manpower to investigate nine out of ten crimes.

“The boss is hoping this initiative will reduce personal crime and we’ll under-report the other stuff so our record will look good.”

When asked about what sort of crimes would not be investigated, the undercover police officer said: “Anything that doesn’t involve personal harm. The politicians don’t like it when old people get beaten up, but they don’t bat an eyelid if someone just robs them.

“So if someone nicks your bike, snatches your handbag, picks your pocket, breaks into your garden shed, burgles your house, pinches stuff from your car or the car itself, litters, smashes your fence, does a spot of shoplifting, causes a disturbance, pisses against your wall…”

At which point our recorder ran out of memory. It was a long list. We reloaded.

“Of course, we still turn up the heat on motorists. The government likes it because the fines fill the coffers and we like it ’cause they’re easy targets.”

When asked for a comment, a Home Office spokesperson said: “The government is 100% committed to ensuring police have enough funds to do their job.”

When we pointed out that nine out of ten crimes don’t get investigated, the Home Office robot said: “The government is 100% committed to ensuring police have enough funds to do their job.”

As we completed our interview and left the pub, we saw three youths break into a car and drive off.

“‘Ere!” said the undercover police officer: “That’s my bleedin’ car!”


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Jimmy - 27, April 2019 Reply

Enlightening article that about how the police really operate in some parts. I wish the police would stop trying to solve crimes where I live. All their shouting and battering doors down keeps me awake at night. The burglers don’t worry me at all. Hard for them to steal from you if you’ve got nowt.

    Ed Mann - 27, April 2019 Reply

    Hey Jimmy – yes, it’s amazing how inconsiderate some criminals can be, living down your street. You’d think they’d hole up in a deserted farmhouse somehwere to give everyone some peace and quiet when they get raided. Still, that’s criminal for you.
    Ed

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