Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

People flock to Wetherspoon pubs to be insulted. “I never tell my staff to be nice to customers,” said Tim Martin, chairman

You are awesome for sharing

Don't upset the staff at Wetherspoons! The barmaids are real knockouts!

Don’t upset the staff at Wetherspoons! The barmaids are real knockouts!

People are queuing up to get into Wetherspoon pubs after chairman and Brexiteer Tim Martin released a statement saying he never tells his staff to be nice to customers.

Instead of the cheery “What can I get for you?” English pubs are renowned for, Wetherspoon staff are treating customers with the disdain they deserve. As one staff member, who declined to be named, said: “You come into a shitty pub with shitty staff and shitty food, what do you expect?”

At a visit to a local Wetherspoons yesterday, the most polite request I heard was “Yeah, what do you want, wanker?”

American tourists seem particularly keen to experience the “true British pub atmosphere”. Visitors Tom and Betty Hernandez from Austin, Texas said: “It’s all so quaint. It’s so refreshing to be shouted at and insulted. We’re really tired of the ‘Have a good day’ mentality we experience in the U.S. of A.”

Tom, 57, added: “And the food here is so bad – unimaginative, uninspired and inedible is how I’d describe it. We probably wouldn’t feed it to our hogs back home, but it is cheap!

“I love the way the servers throw it at you, too,” said Betty, 54. “You really do get tired of polite service all day and every day.”

“And when we gave them a tip,” said Tom. “They took our money and told us it wasn’t their fault they were understaffed and the food was shit. Then they escorted us to the door.”

“Such charming traditions,” added Betty. “I can’t wait to tell the folks back home, they simply won’t believe us.”

A spokesperson for Wetherspoons said: “It’s cheap, our staff are shite, what do you want? If you don’t like it just fuck off!”

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: