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Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Erotic novel by Mussolini discovered in Rome brothel!

Mussolini keeps one eye on his men, who he liked enormously, while reading his proofs

An erotic novel written by Italian dictator, Benito Mussolini, was discovered in a former brothel in Rome. The book was found by workmen demolishing a house that was once Mussolini’s favourite brothel, La Farfalla. Mussolini was called Il Duce to his face but Il Piccolino behind his back, especially by his many lovers, some of […]

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24, February 2019

Veggie restaurants must stay open until 11PM says government in crackdown on lazy vegetarian proprietors

I'm a chef - not a fucking salad-maker!

The government is set to introduce legislation to force “lazy vegetarian restaurant owners” to open until at least 11PM six days a week. The move comes after numerous complaints by vegetarians that they can’t find anywhere to eat after 4PM. Lucas Silbertson, 28, from Hull said: “It’s bad enough living in Hull but we can’t […]

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Oil companies release “Energy from water” patents they’ve sat on for years! “It’s a major boon for the whole world,” they say. “But mainly for us!”

Gives a new meaning to the phrase:

In a joint statement put out by the World’s five biggest oil companies, they have agreed to release “energy from water” patents that they have held for over 50 years. The patents describe how water can be converted to energy and used to “fuel” every kind of engine from cars to planes, and from boats […]

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22, February 2019

“For the last time – we are NOT anti-semantic!” claims Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn at Stamford Hill rally

In a speech at Stamford Hill, London, Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, made an impassioned plea to “everyone” to stop claiming Labour was anti-semantic. “We have absolutely nothing against words or the meaning of words. In fact, we in the Labour movement love words. Everyone in the Labour party is free to use as many words […]

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21, February 2019

Medical breakthrough of the century! “Eating causes tooth decay,” say Dentists

In a medical breakthrough claimed to be the most important health discovery of the century, dentists have revealed that tooth decay is caused by eating food with your teeth. Dr “Painless” Peter Potter of the Dental Research Institute of Philadelphia said a 17-year study into the causes of tooth decay showed that putting food in […]

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20, February 2019

Theresa May: “I’ve had it with you bunch of ingratiates! You can sort out f**king Brexit yourself!”

Theresa May -

After losing 17 Brexit negotiators and making 83 trips to Brussels herself UK Prime Minister, Theresa May, has called it a day and thrown in the towel over Brexit negotiations. “I’ve taken all I’m going to take from you bunch of dim-witted, jobsworthy, ingratiates!” she told the House. “Whinge, whinge, whinge. Delay, delay, delay. Moan, […]

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19, February 2019

Pope Francis to give fortune to the poor! “Over my dead body, ya dingo!” says Cardinal George Pell,

After visiting dozens of impoverished countries over the last few years, Pope Francis has announced that he intends to give away half the church’s fortune to the poor. This comes hot on the heels of yet more abuse and financial scandals for the Catholic church at a time when many people are wondering if the […]

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