Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

9, March 2019

Man loses vowels in rare middle-age speech dysfunction affliction. “Whts vryn n bt?” he asks

Rodney Chimes -

Rodney Chimes, 51, from Chester has lost the ability to pronounce vowels. “It started when he turned 50,” said his Wife, Loveday, 47. “He was worried about losing touch with our two boys and thought text speak was the way to reconnect. Now he can’t stop. “It’s played havoc with his public speaking engagements although […]

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Nag! Nag! Nag! “It’s just like being at home,” says Japanese businessman

You don't need a geisha with a Nag-o-Matic

Enterprising Japanese tech company, Nagumatikku, was demonstrating its latest innovation at the AI Expo in Japan. The pocket-size device whose name, Jitaku de chīsana on’na, roughly translates as “Little woman at home” has been developed for travelling businessmen who feel lonely staying in hotels and who do not want the services of a geisha. The […]

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6, March 2019

Facebook crackdown on false Reactions. New rules to force users to prove their Reactions genuine

You Like it! Really? Prove it!

In a crackdown against fake news, fake buns and false everything else, Facebook is introducing compulsory ‘Reaction proof’. Before a user can select Like, Heart or one of the other Reaction emoticons, they will have to prove their intent is genuine. A Facebook spokesperson explained: “Facebook has been accused of promoting false messages and fake […]

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Weird hairstyle reveals North Korean Kim Jong-un as a dictator

Kim Jong-un's weird hair definitely marks him as a dictator!

Dr Gwendoline Bendover, psychological profiler has made a study of criminals with weird hairstyles. An analysis of the hairstyle of North Korea’s Kim Jong-un has revealed him as a dictator. “Hairstyle is one thing you can’t hide,” said Dr Bendover. “At least not unless you shave it off. You can see that Kim has tried […]

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4, March 2019

Man arrested for throwing an egg at Jeremy Corbyn. Police scrambled to catch him but finally whisked him away

Jeremy Corbyn was not eggspecting an egg!

A Metropolitan police deteggtive said: “An egg was thrown at a Member of Parliament. We are eggsamining the crime scene and have taken a male suspect into custardy. The seriousness of the offence cannot be eggsaggerated.” The man was reported to be a hard-boiled, eggs-con who’d done time for poaching – about 3 minutes. He […]

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“I don’t want to do Eurovision,” wails Michael Rice. “It’s a fix.”

This year's UK Eurovision entry might look like this!

Talent show winner, Michael Rice, 21, has been picked to represent the UK in this year’s Eurovision song contest in May. Privately he confided: “I don’t want to do it. It’s the kiss of death for any singer’s career. Mine will be over before it gets started. “Who’s the last UK Eurovision contestant you remember…? […]

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