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Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

13, February 2019

Tears of a clown! World clown shortage! “The Chinese are eating them!” says Bongo Baggy Britches

Tears of a clown -

The number of clowns in the world is decreasing at an exponential rate. As their natural habitat, the circus, comes increasingly under threat from legislation, and their livelihood is threatened by video games, Ronald MacDonald and apathy, clowns are becoming an endangered species. But there’s another danger, too. Clown impresario and spokesman for the Family […]

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12, February 2019

Beer and wine myth exposed! “You’ll still feel like shite the next morning,” say scientists.

The saying “Beer before wine make you feel fine, wine before beer makes you feel queer,” has been shown to be “pure balderdash” say German scientists. In a study involving the country’s entire student population, half were told to drink six pints of lager followed by two bottles of white wine. The other half drank […]

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People flock to Wetherspoon pubs to be insulted. “I never tell my staff to be nice to customers,” said Tim Martin, chairman

Don't upset the staff at Wetherspoons! The barmaids are real knockouts!

People are queuing up to get into Wetherspoon pubs after chairman and Brexiteer Tim Martin released a statement saying he never tells his staff to be nice to customers. Instead of the cheery “What can I get for you?” English pubs are renowned for, Wetherspoon staff are treating customers with the disdain they deserve. As […]

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8, February 2019

“We’re rootin’ for Putin” tops Russian pop charts for ninth month in a row. “We don’t want to go to Siberia,” says band

Doggy Riot is Russia’s latest top boy band and has topped the Russian charts for over 9 months with their hit single “We’re rootin’ for Putin.” Inspiration for their name came from the ill-fated Pussy Riot, a punk rock protest group that sang songs about Putin being a dictator and who Putin sent to the […]

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7, February 2019

“I bought everything in the Argos catalogue,” says shopaholic Wendy Wilson. “And I’m £1.3m in debt!”

Wendy's local Argos store manager is a very happy bunny!

Confessed shopaholic, Wendy Wilson, 57 and divorced, has bought every item in the Argos catalogue. “I just can’t help it,” she said. “Everything looks so new and shiny and desirable, I know I simply must have it.” To date she has bought over 20,000 items. As new items are added and old ones removed, her […]

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