Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Number of people who die laughing increases as hitmen swap guns for jokes

I'm gonna tell you a joke you can't refuse...

It’s official! You CAN die laughing. It can take anything from 10-25 minutes of non-stop laughing before your heart stops, your lungs collapse and your brain dies. Fortunately, it’s quite rare. In the UK only 183 people died laughing last year. Although the population of America is five times greater than the UK, only 87 […]

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13, March 2019

Donald Trump to hold no more face-to-face meetings. “It will all be Twitterised,” he said

Twitter's new logo as Donald Trump starts using it exclusively for negotiations!

US President, Donald Trump, has announced that he will take part in no more face-to-face meetings or negotiations with any world leader or anyone else at home or abroad, and will in future conduct all such conversations via Twitter. “This will ensure,” he said. “That there are no fake news reports about our meetings or […]

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12, March 2019

Be afraid. Be very afraid if you need the emergency services. New government guidelines to radically improve slow emergency service response times

To cope with the increased demand for emergency services amid unprecedented cuts, the government is instituting new guidelines for call handlers to prioritise the calls based on the amount of terror or panic in the caller’s voice. The lowest priority is mild annoyance where the caller is annoyed that the emergency has disturbed their cup […]

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11, March 2019

Asda (part of the Walmart group) to stop selling single kitchen knives. Ford to stop selling single cars

You can't buy just one knife in Asda but you can buy a pack of these!

Asda has announced it will stop selling single kitchen knives – but they will still be available in multipacks. “We feel this will hit hardest, the impoverished would-be knife buyer who is also too stupid and incapable of stealing a single kitchen knife. Two or more could get together to buy a multipack but we […]

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Groundhog Day producers sue Theresa May over unlicensed use of their plotline

Groundhog Day producers are suing UK PM, Theresa May, over unlicensed use of their plotline in her Brexit negotiations. In the 1993 movie, Groundhog Day, Bill Murray plays a cynical reporter who repeats the same day over and over again in spite of innumerable attempts to break the cycle. The Groundhog Day producers assert that […]

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9, March 2019

Man loses vowels in rare middle-age speech dysfunction affliction. “Whts vryn n bt?” he asks

Rodney Chimes -

Rodney Chimes, 51, from Chester has lost the ability to pronounce vowels. “It started when he turned 50,” said his Wife, Loveday, 47. “He was worried about losing touch with our two boys and thought text speak was the way to reconnect. Now he can’t stop. “It’s played havoc with his public speaking engagements although […]

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Nag! Nag! Nag! “It’s just like being at home,” says Japanese businessman

You don't need a geisha with a Nag-o-Matic

Enterprising Japanese tech company, Nagumatikku, was demonstrating its latest innovation at the AI Expo in Japan. The pocket-size device whose name, Jitaku de chīsana on’na, roughly translates as “Little woman at home” has been developed for travelling businessmen who feel lonely staying in hotels and who do not want the services of a geisha. The […]

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