Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

13, April 2019

“I’ve never wanted to shag so many women,” says 87-year old after brain zap experiment

A new medical procedure called Transcranial Direct Current Stimulation (TDCS) boosts brain functions and mental ability. It applies a small burst of electricity to specific brain centres. It was developed to help patients with sub-optimal brain functions due to illness. However, it has also been found to “rejuvenate” ailing brain functions. In a controlled experiment […]

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Advertising watchdog rules misleading adverts must stop

Sinking under a barge of consumer complaints plus pressure from subsidised TV channels such as the BBC, the Advertising Watchdog has ruled that adverts that do not “tell the truth” will be banned from next month. The new ruling covers hyperbole, exaggerated claims, misleading information and lies. The food industry is expected to be hit […]

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EU makes tech giants responsible for controlling online copyright material. “That’s fine,” said Google. “We control everything else.”

The EU has voted in a controversial copyright law which holds tech companies responsible for material their users upload. So if Little Tamsin should suffer a brain haemorrhage and decide she wants to upload a Justin Bieber track to YouTube to impress or annoy her friends, then YouTube would carry the can for copyright breech. […]

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10, April 2019

Brexit delay results in Home Office issuing DIY passports with marker pen and blue dye

Before and after! The new UK passports suit users of all Brexit persuasions

Due to the delay in the UK leaving the EU, UK passports will remain burgundy and continue to include the words “European Union”. However, they will also come with a burgundy marker pen and feature instructions printed above the words “European Union” saying “Delete as appropriate”. A Home Office spokesperson said: “We think this is […]

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8, April 2019

Government enforces big business pay rise structure – the worse you do, the more you get

Drop your share price, lose 3/4m cutomers, sack 4,000 workers and you, too, could get £m bonuses like this!

To keep in step with current trends, the UK Government is proposing a new mandatory pay rise structure which will see bosses reaping millions of pounds the WORSE their company performs. A government spokesperson said: “One of our poster boys is Iain Conn, CEO of Centrica which owns British Gas. He lost nearly three-quarters of […]

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