fbpx

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Oil companies release “Energy from water” patents they’ve sat on for years! “It’s a major boon for the whole world,” they say. “But mainly for us!”

You are awesome for sharing

Gives a new meaning to the phrase: "Swimming in oil!"

Gives a new meaning to the phrase: “Swimming in oil!”

In a joint statement put out by the World’s five biggest oil companies, they have agreed to release “energy from water” patents that they have held for over 50 years.

The patents describe how water can be converted to energy and used to “fuel” every kind of engine from cars to planes, and from boats to trains.

“It will totally solve our energy crisis and our reliance on fossil fuels,” the statement says.

Every few years the press reports on a new invention to derive energy from water but the claim is soon forgotten. These reports are the ones that slip through the net. Usually the patents are bought up by one of the oil conglomerates. The inventors are paid a ludicrous sum of money to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of their life. Under close supervision, of course.

Occasionally an inventor goes missing.

Now, however, the oil companies are “coming clean” about their involvement with “energy from water” devices. They say that although the technology worked, it was far too expensive to be practical and releasing it to the general public would have only cause panic, frustration and false expectations.

Now they say technology has caught up with the requirements of “energy to water” engines and now is the time to “give it to the world” and start production.

In other news, as oil supplies are depleting at an exponential rate and oil is becoming increasing more difficult and expensive to find and drill for, major oil companies have been investing in land bearing no historic traces of oil. The great swathes of land do, however, contain massive numbers of lakes, rivers and other bodies of water.

The oil companies are currently lobbying the governments of major world powers to privatise and sell off the world’s oceans.

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: