Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

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Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

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Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

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Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Oil companies release “Energy from water” patents they’ve sat on for years! “It’s a major boon for the whole world,” they say. “But mainly for us!”

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Gives a new meaning to the phrase: "Swimming in oil!"

Gives a new meaning to the phrase: “Swimming in oil!”

In a joint statement put out by the World’s five biggest oil companies, they have agreed to release “energy from water” patents that they have held for over 50 years.

The patents describe how water can be converted to energy and used to “fuel” every kind of engine from cars to planes, and from boats to trains.

“It will totally solve our energy crisis and our reliance on fossil fuels,” the statement says.

Every few years the press reports on a new invention to derive energy from water but the claim is soon forgotten. These reports are the ones that slip through the net. Usually the patents are bought up by one of the oil conglomerates. The inventors are paid a ludicrous sum of money to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of their life. Under close supervision, of course.

Occasionally an inventor goes missing.

Now, however, the oil companies are “coming clean” about their involvement with “energy from water” devices. They say that although the technology worked, it was far too expensive to be practical and releasing it to the general public would have only cause panic, frustration and false expectations.

Now they say technology has caught up with the requirements of “energy to water” engines and now is the time to “give it to the world” and start production.

In other news, as oil supplies are depleting at an exponential rate and oil is becoming increasing more difficult and expensive to find and drill for, major oil companies have been investing in land bearing no historic traces of oil. The great swathes of land do, however, contain massive numbers of lakes, rivers and other bodies of water.

The oil companies are currently lobbying the governments of major world powers to privatise and sell off the world’s oceans.

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