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22, June 2019

North/South divide? ‘North’ is now anywhere north of the Thames

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Not sure if you live in the North or South? The government has now made it easy for you

In a bid to prove that the North does get as much money as the South, the government has redefined the North’ to be anywhere north of the Thames.

Using the old boundaries, the South received 72% more than the North in public spending. Using the new boundary, the South now only gets about 26% more than the North although the North does have more Greggs.

Government investment lead to a 20% increase in jobs in the South although most were at posh twat restaurants and eating places and staffed by overseas students without a work permit.

There was a 20% fall in the number of jobs in the North which meant most immigrants moved South as they were more mobile than the native communities.

Northern households living in poverty rose by 22% because most private rented accommodation is owned by southerners. Southern households earning more than £100,000 a year rose by 18% because most southerners own two or more properties.

The minister of the Department for Gerrymandering said: “It used to be a question of semantics. Who really knew where the ‘North’ was?

“Now we’ve made a concrete decision, as this government does, so there can no longer be any doubt. This means that, contrary to public assumption, the North/South divide is getting smaller.”

When asked about the traditional North and North East, the minister said: “They are really too far away from London and the South for us to take seriously.

“They’re still catching up with the Industrial Revolution, aren’t they? Still leave school at 12 to work in the mills, don’t they?

“There is a proposal to class everywhere north of the Thames as, well, the Outer Hebrides. Makes perfect sense when you think about it.”

Ref: BBC News Northern Powerhouse ‘undermined’ by austerity, five years on


Question for Northerners: When you left school at 12 did you work at the mill, down the pit or polishing shoes?
Question for Southerners: Is an Oxford or Cambridge education the best?
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