Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

25, April 2019

New Bank of England governor wanted – we offer four ideal candidates

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The new governor of the Bank of England? Makes sound financial decisions, politically neutral and works for peanuts

The new governor of the Bank of England? Makes sound financial decisions, politically neutral and works for peanuts

To be governor of the Bank of England you don’t have to be good at financial forecasting, just at making promises and not keeping them. A pathological liar or a political background would be ideal.

Current incumbent, Canadian Mark Carney, continuously hinted at interest rate rises but back-stepped after failing to anticipate financial swings or comprehend the UK economy.

Governors are traditionally politically neutral. He wasn’t. He came out for Remain on the Fear ticket warning that if the referendum voted to leave the EU, the UK would fall into recession.

Which it didn’t.

Whatever your leanings on the Brexit debate, he got it wrong again.

So he’s not going to be a tough act to follow.

But for some reason, the UK’s financial wizard, genius and master of both wasteful extravagance and swingeing cuts, Chancellor Philip Hammond, has decided to employ a head hunter to find the best person for the job.

At a salary of £480,000 plus perks and expenses which brought Carney’s take-home pay to £881,574, they won’t be short of applicants.

But to save him – and the country! – money, we’ve shortlisted four of the very best candidates.

Nigel Farage has proved he’s very good with Banks’ money. Aaron Banks, that is.

He’s also an ex-city trader so knows his way around all the big words financiers use like “inflation”, “crash” and “recession”.

Boris Johnson knows how to turn a profit with lots of side hustles which would be better than the Bank simply dumping loads of cash into the system, euphemistically known as “quantitative easing”.

Boris’ hustles include writing newspaper columns, hosting TV programs and giving speeches, which earn him hundreds of thousands of pounds on top of his MP’s salary.

He also knows how to save money and lambasts police spending on investigating historic child abuse cases.

Gordon Gekko may be American but he has all the right qualities of greed, deviousness and sly cunning required to run a bank. He would definitely be our first choice if he were not fictional.

But that never stopped a politician giving a position of responsibility to a cartoon character.

Monkey with a dartboard. Most of the recent decisions made by the Bank of England have been, at best, plain wrong. A monkey with a dartboard would make better decisions and their salary would be peanuts, saving the country a fortune.

If the monkey made decisions that didn’t appeal, Mr Hammond could quickly and easily find another monkey to take over.

The only thing the UK would have to worry about then would be the organ grinder.

Who would make a good governor of the Bank of England and why? Leave a Comment below.

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