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Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

25, April 2019

New Bank of England governor wanted – we offer four ideal candidates

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The new governor of the Bank of England? Makes sound financial decisions, politically neutral and works for peanuts

The new governor of the Bank of England? Makes sound financial decisions, politically neutral and works for peanuts

To be governor of the Bank of England you don’t have to be good at financial forecasting, just at making promises and not keeping them. A pathological liar or a political background would be ideal.

Current incumbent, Canadian Mark Carney, continuously hinted at interest rate rises but back-stepped after failing to anticipate financial swings or comprehend the UK economy.

Governors are traditionally politically neutral. He wasn’t. He came out for Remain on the Fear ticket warning that if the referendum voted to leave the EU, the UK would fall into recession.

Which it didn’t.

Whatever your leanings on the Brexit debate, he got it wrong again.

So he’s not going to be a tough act to follow.

But for some reason, the UK’s financial wizard, genius and master of both wasteful extravagance and swingeing cuts, Chancellor Philip Hammond, has decided to employ a head hunter to find the best person for the job.

At a salary of £480,000 plus perks and expenses which brought Carney’s take-home pay to £881,574, they won’t be short of applicants.

But to save him – and the country! – money, we’ve shortlisted four of the very best candidates.

Nigel Farage has proved he’s very good with Banks’ money. Aaron Banks, that is.

He’s also an ex-city trader so knows his way around all the big words financiers use like “inflation”, “crash” and “recession”.

Boris Johnson knows how to turn a profit with lots of side hustles which would be better than the Bank simply dumping loads of cash into the system, euphemistically known as “quantitative easing”.

Boris’ hustles include writing newspaper columns, hosting TV programs and giving speeches, which earn him hundreds of thousands of pounds on top of his MP’s salary.

He also knows how to save money and lambasts police spending on investigating historic child abuse cases.

Gordon Gekko may be American but he has all the right qualities of greed, deviousness and sly cunning required to run a bank. He would definitely be our first choice if he were not fictional.

But that never stopped a politician giving a position of responsibility to a cartoon character.

Monkey with a dartboard. Most of the recent decisions made by the Bank of England have been, at best, plain wrong. A monkey with a dartboard would make better decisions and their salary would be peanuts, saving the country a fortune.

If the monkey made decisions that didn’t appeal, Mr Hammond could quickly and easily find another monkey to take over.

The only thing the UK would have to worry about then would be the organ grinder.

Who would make a good governor of the Bank of England and why? Leave a Comment below.

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