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24, September 2019

Mouldy Boris Johnson cheese to boost Tory popularity

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The Tories hope a slice of 'mouldy Boris Johnson' will help boost their flagging ratings

The Tories hope a slice of ‘mouldy Boris Johnson’ will help boost their flagging ratings

The Tory party has engaged food expert Lawrence DeVillier to help boost their flagging popularity.

The chef, who has won at least one award in his home town of Acrington, is charged with creating popular foods and naming them after Tory politicians.

Customers will go into a cheese shop and ask for a quarter of mouldy Boris Johnson or into a butcher’s and ask for half a dozen links of best British Jacob Rees-Mogg.

It is hoped that associating the name with a pleasant food experience will encourage people to think well of the politicians and vote for them in upcoming elections.

Other planned foods include Chancellor Sajid Javid chocolatier coins which will additionally help children learn to budget their pocket money.

The Priti hummus and Patel falafels are expected to prove popular in up-market delicatessens typically frequented by core Tory demographic voters.

The Andrea Leadsom rock cake will appeal to Tory voters both with their own teeth and with false teeth.

The Dominic Raab pizza contains 28 toppings from each of the 28 EU countries. Admittedly the samples are small and when the UK leaves it will have to lose the fish and chip topping but that will be compensated for by additional sauerkraut and coq au vin.

It is expected to prove popular with those who profess to being pro-European but still wants to leave the EU, and those not a vegetarian. Which is most Tory voters.

DeVillier confessed that Michael Gove is proving a problem. The two current options are a Michael Gove lobster bake which can cause a gove pain in the back, or raw octopus.

Expect to see the new food range being rolled out in a middle-class supermarket near you soon.

Ref: BBC News ‘Jacob Leeks Mogg’ comes second in Newent Onion Show

What’s the worst-tasting food you’ve ever eaten?
What vegetable looks most like an intimate body part?
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