Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

21, May 2019

Milkshakes banned at rallies. Activists throw burgers, condoms and fur coats

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"Drink it or throw it? Drink it or throw it? I never have this dilemma when Farage is speaking."

“Drink it or throw it? Drink it or throw it? I never have this dilemma when Farage is speaking.”

Several prominent figures have had milkshakes and ice cream thrown at them during political rallies. Police asked McDonald’s and other shops near to future rallies not to sell milkshakes or ice cream while the rally is taking place.

A police spokesperson said: “This is, admittedly, for the less-intelligent activist who would not consider buying a milkshake from Burger King two streets away.”

However, more activists than normal are attending these rallies in the hope that whatever they throw will be banned.

Animal rights activists clubbed together to buy fur coats to throw at rally participants. The coats were confiscated by the police and were never seen again. Not in an evidential capacity.

Societies fighting obesity and promoting healthy living stocked up with burgers and chips. Not all reached their target.

The Vegetarian Society threw chunks of meat. There were tussles between dogs and police. Both ate well.

Vegans threw eggs, butter and milk. But not very far.

Climate change protesters had wanted to throw cars but the logistics got the better of them. They settled for plastic items, diesel fuel and cow farts. Police accused them of igniting an already inflammable situation.

The Temperance society advocated throwing beer and spirits although not in bottles as they had nothing against the glass industry per se. They suggested making ‘beer balloons’ from plastic bags but fell foul of climate change supporters.

A tried and tested alternative, the condom, caused protests from Catholics and Pro Life groups who saw the condom as their territory.

Catholics arranged to throw birth control pills and condoms. A suggestion that they team up with the Temperance Society by filling the condoms with alcohol was rejected as they were not anti-drinking.

The Catholics also wanted to throw IEDs until the Army paid them a visit. They then collected a quantity of IUDs but discovered some men were using them as cuff links.

At that point, many went home for sex saying it was the right time of the month anyway. A later stock check found that all the condoms were missing.

The Pro Life group struggled with a range of surgical devices but settled on wire coat hangers and knitting needles which upset the Women’s Knitting Federation and Top Shop.

Unable to acquire the real thing, Pro Choice threw photographs of Donald Trump, badly-made toupees and cut-outs of several American states.

CND was unable to acquire a bomb and did not attend any rallies.

Councils have asked police not to ban the sale of any items in future as the cost of cleaning up the mess was more than the cost of dry cleaning a suit.

Ref: BBC News Ice cream ban near Farage Edinburgh campaign rally

What’s your favourite protest group and what would they like to ban?
Who would you most like to throw a beer-filled condom at?
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