Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

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Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

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How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

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In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

26, February 2019

Michael McIntyre plummets in comedy ratings – “You’re only as good as your last joke,” he says. “And mine was crap.”

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Michael McIntyre's last sell-out show!

Michael McIntyre’s last sell-out show!

Michael McIntyre, who dropped out of the UK’s Top Ten list of funniest comedians, moaned: “I should have done mobile phone chargers and not trains. People don’t think trains are funny anymore. The train companies overcharge for tickets, cancel services, and the trains are usually late. There’s nothing funny in that if you use trains.

“Sometimes I forget what it’s like to be a common person when I’m riding around in my chauffeur-driven limo.”

Convinced he’ll bounce back if he can regain the common touch, McIntyre, 43, from swanky and expensive Hampstead, confessed he has been thinking of selling up and moving back to his roots in Merton, London.

“Of course, I’d have to leave the wife and kids,” he said. “I couldn’t subject them to such deprivation. But they’re becoming a bit of a pain, always asking me why I’m no longer funny. It’s very depressing.”

He admitted trying to hire joke writers to improve his material but said no one wanted to “write down” to his level. “I tried pretending I was Frankie Boyle but I couldn’t do the accent.

Although his critics may say he’s passed his best, McIntyre believes the best is yet to come. “You’re only as good as your last joke,” he said, “And mine was crap. I’ll have to write more material about common things like the wife and kids. That’ll put me back in the spotlight.

“Here’s one,” he said. “I have two boys, Lucas and Oscar. I told a friend I was going to get Oscar by which I meant pick him up from school. My friend thought I’d won an Oscar!

“Okay, I’ll work on that…!”

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