The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

26, February 2019

Michael McIntyre plummets in comedy ratings – “You’re only as good as your last joke,” he says. “And mine was crap.”

You are awesome for sharing

Michael McIntyre's last sell-out show!

Michael McIntyre’s last sell-out show!

Michael McIntyre, who dropped out of the UK’s Top Ten list of funniest comedians, moaned: “I should have done mobile phone chargers and not trains. People don’t think trains are funny anymore. The train companies overcharge for tickets, cancel services, and the trains are usually late. There’s nothing funny in that if you use trains.

“Sometimes I forget what it’s like to be a common person when I’m riding around in my chauffeur-driven limo.”

Convinced he’ll bounce back if he can regain the common touch, McIntyre, 43, from swanky and expensive Hampstead, confessed he has been thinking of selling up and moving back to his roots in Merton, London.

“Of course, I’d have to leave the wife and kids,” he said. “I couldn’t subject them to such deprivation. But they’re becoming a bit of a pain, always asking me why I’m no longer funny. It’s very depressing.”

He admitted trying to hire joke writers to improve his material but said no one wanted to “write down” to his level. “I tried pretending I was Frankie Boyle but I couldn’t do the accent.

Although his critics may say he’s passed his best, McIntyre believes the best is yet to come. “You’re only as good as your last joke,” he said, “And mine was crap. I’ll have to write more material about common things like the wife and kids. That’ll put me back in the spotlight.

“Here’s one,” he said. “I have two boys, Lucas and Oscar. I told a friend I was going to get Oscar by which I meant pick him up from school. My friend thought I’d won an Oscar!

“Okay, I’ll work on that…!”

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: