You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

3, April 2019

“Michael Gove channels spirits of Margaret Thatcher and the Slime Monster,” Claims Mystic Myrtle

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Margaret Thatcher, the Slime Monster or both? You decide

Margaret Thatcher, the Slime Monster or both? You decide

Medium Madame Mystic Myrtle, psychic and prophet to the stars, claims to have channelled the spirits of Maggie Thatcher and Ghostbusters’ Slime Monster into Michael Gove.

She said: “It was one of the easiest channellings I have ever done. He is a natural.”

Madame Myrtle has told the fortune of many stars and leading politicians.

For Boris Johnson she predicted: “You WILL become Prime Minister, but not for long.”

For Theresa May she predicted: “You will go down in history as the UK’s second most incompetent PM.”

For Jeremy Corbyn she predicted: “You will lead your people to a land of milk and honey. All of them, proving your firm stance against anti-Semitism.”

Mystic Myrtle does not like to cross large expanses of water as it diminishes her psychic ability so she did a remote prediction for Donald Trump: “Your wall will never get built but you will be awarded the Hero of the Russian Federation medal and decorated by your friend Putin.

Asked if any politician had a positive influence on the country, she replied: “No!”

Shortly after this interview, Madame Myrtle was arrested on suspicion of  propheteering. A police spokesman said: “She’s not a happy Medium!”

In light of these revelations, the assumption must be  that Michael Gove has not channelled anything and is just naturally very right, uncompassionate and slimy.

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