The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

21, February 2019

Medical breakthrough of the century! “Eating causes tooth decay,” say Dentists

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"Painless" Peter Potter says: "Eating food with your teetth causes tooth deacy!"

“Painless” Peter Potter says: “Eating food with your teetth causes tooth deacy!”

In a medical breakthrough claimed to be the most important health discovery of the century, dentists have revealed that tooth decay is caused by eating food with your teeth.

Dr “Painless” Peter Potter of the Dental Research Institute of Philadelphia said a 17-year study into the causes of tooth decay showed that putting food in your mouth and chewing it with your teeth is by far the Number One contributing factor.

The study followed over 349 people and looked at their dietary habits and the health of their teeth. It found, in all cases, people who ate food with their teeth suffered from some kind of tooth decay problem at some time during their life.

“It will take a massive re-education program”, he said. “To stop people eating with their teeth but it’s the only way they can prevent them falling out.”

When it was suggested that eating food was part of our natural existence Dr Potter said: “We’re trying to stop the problem before it starts, not cure it after it’s taken hold.”

When asked if there were any solutions to the problem he replied: “You could be fed intravenously but that would required daily visits to the hospital for at least a couple of hours and that might not suit everyone’s routine.

“You could also be fed by a tube into your stomach which doesn’t require a daily hospital visit although that has its own downsides. But remember, the state of your teeth is at stake here!

“Meanwhile, if you visit your dental surgeon they will custom-make a special set of teeth protectors for you. Until then, we recommend people only eat soups and saps and try to avoid letting any food touch their teeth.”

When asked what the second most-common cause of tooth decay was, Dr Potter admitted it was not brushing, not flossing and poor dental hygiene.

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