“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

21, July 2019

Man who put off procrastinating didn’t realise he was procrastinating

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Buzz was too busy skiing to procrastinate, so he kept putting it off

Buzz was too busy skiing to procrastinate, so he kept putting it off

“Procrastination is something I’ve always wanted to try,” said Barry “Buzz” Abernathy, 37, from Newbury.

“Everyone I know is doing it so there must be something in it. In fact, it’s on my bucket list but I just keep putting off doing it.”

“One of my friends, Gerry, gets absolutely nothing done and he loves it. I’m far too busy with ‘stuff’ to procrastinate seriously.”

In the past six months, Buzz has built an extension to his house, started a new tech company and won three Gold medals for skiing. He works out at the gym five days a week, gives his young son football lessons and he still found time to father another child.

Buzz’s friend Gerry said: “He doesn’t do much with the rest of us. If we ask him to go for a drink, we usually end up staying in and he’s at the pub on his own.

“Although the last time, apparently, he sold the manager a new retail Point Of Sale system and he won fifty quid on the slots. We just couldn’t be arsed.”

We pointed out to Buzz that as he had been putting off procrastinating he had actually been procrastinating.

“Gosh!” he said. “I never thought of it like that. I guess I have. So I can tick that off my bucket list.

“I’ll do it later.”

See tomorrow’s issue for the questions

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