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Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

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Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

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Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

10, February 2019

“Make America Safe Again!” By law – all Americans to carry a gun by 2021!

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"Feel safe now, son?"

“Feel safe now, son?”

As the war against gun violence rages across America, the US government is proposing a radical new plan to tackle it.

From 2021, all persons over the age of 14 will be legally obliged to carry a gun.

A government spokesperson said: “If everyone has a gun we level the playing field and perpetrators will think twice about shooting people in public.”

A republican senator who did not want to be named said: “The truth is, the gun lobby has got the president in their back pocket and this bill – if you’ll pardon the expression – kills two birds with one stone.

“It appeases the gun lobby and gives each member of the public a fighting chance if they’re attacked by a gunman. That’s got to be better than hiding under desks and running away. Running away has never been the American thing to do. Although, admittedly, shooting people has”

In spite of concerns that the bill will plunge America into another Wild West era, proponents of the bill argue that the best form of defence is to carry a gun. “Always has, always will be,” said one.

An FBI agent who, for legal reasons, we can only refer to as Agent William F. Strinkle II said: “We just can’t keep up with the number of shootings and the amount of gun-related crime going on. We’re secretly hoping the bill will encourage all the bad guys to kill each other. Job done.”

When asked about the potential for innocent members of the public to get killed or injured, he said: “Collateral damage. We’re really good at that, too!”

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