As the war against gun violence rages across America, the US government is proposing a radical new plan to tackle it.
From 2021, all persons over the age of 14 will be legally obliged to carry a gun.
A government spokesperson said: “If everyone has a gun we level the playing field and perpetrators will think twice about shooting people in public.”
A republican senator who did not want to be named said: “The truth is, the gun lobby has got the president in their back pocket and this bill – if you’ll pardon the expression – kills two birds with one stone.
“It appeases the gun lobby and gives each member of the public a fighting chance if they’re attacked by a gunman. That’s got to be better than hiding under desks and running away. Running away has never been the American thing to do. Although, admittedly, shooting people has”
In spite of concerns that the bill will plunge America into another Wild West era, proponents of the bill argue that the best form of defence is to carry a gun. “Always has, always will be,” said one.
An FBI agent who, for legal reasons, we can only refer to as Agent William F. Strinkle II said: “We just can’t keep up with the number of shootings and the amount of gun-related crime going on. We’re secretly hoping the bill will encourage all the bad guys to kill each other. Job done.”
When asked about the potential for innocent members of the public to get killed or injured, he said: “Collateral damage. We’re really good at that, too!”