Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

16, March 2020

Loo roll shortage – Parliament sitting till Ministers get to the bottom of it

You are awesome for sharing

Stacks of loo rolls like this will soon be something to tell your children about

Stacks of loo rolls like this will soon be something to tell your children about

Rumours of a loo roll crisis are spreading cheekily faster than an Ozzy bush fire.

Raw materials for the manufacture of toilet paper are in short supply. The UK gets them from Europe. There’s normally no problem because the EU is full of it but shortages are adding loo roll to the list of things we need to sit down and think hard about.

A spokesman for the Association of Recyclable Soft Serviette manufacturers said: “It’s a loo-dicrous situation. We’ve been straining to get the government to secure our supply but they say they’re already bogged down in negotiations although they are on a roll. They’ve been sitting on this for months. There’s talk of them passing a motion on a white paper but nothing’s passed yet.

“If matters don’t improve we’ll have to go back to using yesterday’s newspaper and leaves.”

The demand for free newspapers has already increased by 25% and the tabloids are gearing up for increased circulation.

Sales of the Daily Mail have increased as left-wing voters find a new use for it.

Right-wing voters are reportedly buying large numbers of potted plants with big leaves.

Scuffles have broken out in the underground over paper ownership with one man arrested by the poo-lice.

Several large supermarkets have already reported toilet roll panic buying. “If this keeps up,” said one flushed store manager. “We’ll have to limit them to one sheet per customer although the sales do add to our bottom line.”

Toilet paper from London’s public lavatories has been removed to a secret location in Downing Street.  Ministers attending a meeting at No. 10 were heard to say they were “going for a Boris”.

A spokesperson for the Secretary for State for Business said: “We have two priorities. Our number 1 is to get to the bottom of this and our number 2 is to remove any blockage.”

While the government remains the butt of jokes, ministers are adamant that they are trying to clean up the tissue. One minister, who declined to be named, said: “Yes, we are a little behind but we need to wipe this up quickly before the shit really hits the fan.”

You are awesome for sharing

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

Leave a Reply: