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Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

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18, February 2019

Loo roll running out! Ministers vow to get to the bottom of it

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Stacks of loo rolls like this will soon be something to tell your children abou!

Stacks of loo rolls like this will soon be something to tell your children abou!

Raw materials for the manufacture of toilet paper are in short supply. The UK gets them from Europe. There’s normally no problem because the EU is full of it but Brexit fears are adding loo roll to the list of things we need to sit down and think hard about.

A spokesman for the Association of Recyclable Soft Serviette manufacturers said: “It’s a loo-dicrous situation. We’ve been straining to get the government to secure our supply but they say they’re already bogged down in negotiations although they are on a roll. They’ve been sitting on this for months. There’s talk of them passing a motion on a white paper but nothing’s passed yet.

“If matters don’t improve we’ll have to go back to using yesterday’s newspaper and leaves.”

The demand for free newspapers has already increased by 25% and the tabloids are gearing up for increased circulation.

Sales of the Daily Mail have increased as left-wing voters find a new use for it.

Right-wing voters are reportedly buying large numbers of potted plants with big leaves.

Scuffles have broken out o the underground over paper ownership with one man arrested by the poo-lice.

Several large supermarkets have already reported toilet roll panic buying. “If this keeps up,” said one flushed store manager. “We’ll have to limit them to one sheet per customer although the sales do add to our bottom line.”

All the toilet paper in public lavatories has been removed and bouncers have been employed to hand out two sheets of paper to each visitor. One user retorted: “Two sheets – yer pulling me chain, aren’t you!”

A spokesperson for the Secretary for Sate for Business said: “We have two priorities. Our number 1 is to get to the bottom of this and our number 2 is to remove any blockage.”

While the government remains the butt of jokes, ministers are adamant that they are trying to clean up the tissue. One minister, who declined to be named, said: “Yes, we are a little behind but we need to wipe this up quickly before the shit really hits the fan.”

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