Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

14, October 2019

Local villagers object to Jeremy Clarkson

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Jeremy Clarkson wants to bring fast cars, noise and a large dose of ego to a sleepy English village

Jeremy Clarkson wants to bring fast cars, noise and a large dose of ego to a sleepy English village

Residents in the Oxfordshire village of Chadlington have launched an objection to Jeremy Clarkson who currently lives there.

The villagers say he serves no useful purpose and has a negative effect on the landscape.

Mr Clarkson wants to build a 1000 acre movie lot full of fast and noisy cars, lots of bright lights and people running around shouting “action”.

A local resident who did not want to be named lest a DeLorean crash through his house at four in the morning (either that or a fist) said: “This is of no benefit to the community. We’re not actors and all we know how to drive are tractors.”

Resident Arthur Scrapehill said:”This will open the floodgates to film companies around the world and before we know it, it’ll be like Sodom and Gomorrah.”

Another resident said: “If this is allowed then other things will be allowed which ought not to be allowed but they will be allowed because this was allowed, which it shouldn’t be.”

Mr Clarkson said if the application was passed he’d promise not to make a noise after 9PM and not appear in any TV programs that were in English.

That might just swing it.

Ref: BBC News Jeremy Clarkson defends Diddly Squat farm shop plans

What’s your favourite Jeremy Clarkson accident?
Town planners or jumped-up jobsworths? Discuss
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