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7, November 2019

Labour bans Jeremy Corbyn from standing at next election

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Jeremy Corbyn reads from his memoires "Decisions I never made"

Jeremy Corbyn reads from his memoires “Decisions I never made”

Labour‘s National Executive Committee has banned Jeremy Corbyn from standing at the upcoming general election.

The Executive has already banned several former Labour MPs from standing for various misdemeanours

These include riding through a puddle on a bicycle to splash a pedestrian because they were wearing a blue tie, feeding a dog cat food, and calling a colleague “old sport”.

Another was suspended for an event 14 years ago when he was working as a bus driver and told a customer where to get off. He vehemently denies the charge claiming mistaken identity and diplomatic immunity.

A spokesperson for the Committee said:”We were on a banning roll and Jeremy seemed like the next good target.

“I mean, he has been a bit wishy-washy over the past few— er, well, since he was elected.

We need a strong leader who can make decisions like what pizza topping to order, which foot his left shoe goes on and who’s done the most to bring the Labour party into disrepute, although we do appreciate that is a tough call.

“We also wanted to ban Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Michael Gove but were told that was beyond our remit. In any event, it would play into the hands of the SNP, DUP and several other Ps and we’re not a party for doing anyone any good. Not even ourselves.”

New candidates will be selected by the usual method: of who can sing The Red Flag the loudest.

The spokesperson concluded: “We’re also looking for a candidate who has some fucking clue about what policies we need to adopt to win the next election.”

Ref: BBC News General Election 2019: Labour bans four candidates from standing


If you could ban your other half from doing one thing, what would it be?
Have you tried cat food?
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