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Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

27, April 2019

Kill Order. “In an emergency, driverless cars will target old people,” say researchers

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Old folks watch out. The cars are coming for you first... After teenage hoodies.

Old folks watch out. The cars are coming for you first… After teenage hoodies.

Driverless car AI (Artificial Intelligence) units will be programmed to kill old people, second only to teenage hoodies.

In the event of an unavoidable accident, a driver – human or AI –has to make a decision about which obstacle to hit. In other words the car must make a choice between hitting and possibly killing one person or another, so who or what are its priorities?

After extensive research, the Driving Institute for Car Knowledge has determined which targets an auto car should go for first or, as they put it (although not publically) the car’s Kill Order.

Their findings are based on the results of a questionnaire completed by over 37 people, some of whom were old.

Top of the list are animals which are further segregated into cats/dogs, road kill, pests, birds, small animals, large animals, and other pets.

The male respondents put cats top of the list. The female respondents put dogs top. Which the AI will target first depends on whether it’s a male or female AI model.

When it comes to humans we all want to protect babies apart from respondents who had an unhappy childhood. Teenage hoodies topped everyone’s list apart from one respondent who was a teenage hoodie but even they placed themselves second.

The “Kill Order” runs like this:

  • Teenage hoodies
  • Old people
  • Foreigners
  • Anyone wearing a bowler hat
  • Anyone in a pin stripe suit
  • Anyone with a designer handbag
  • Anyone wearing pyjamas
  • Anyone eating a Greggs’ pasty
  • Any foreigner they may have missed first time around
  • The middle aged
  • Young men and women holding hands
  • Young men and women
  • Teenagers not wearing a hoodie
  • Twins wearing identical outfits
  • Cildren not holding hands with an adult
  • Other children
  • Babies in prams their parent has pushed onto the road to force cars to stop
  • Other babies

The Driving Institute for Car Knowledge said they will be passing their findings onto all companies involved in developing driverless cars and are confident they will implement the suggestions.

A spokesperson for the Institute said: “We think driverless cars will be free-for-all carnage. But then driving is anyway.”


If you were an automatic car AI who would you target?
Do teenage hoodies get a raw deal?
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