Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

27, April 2019

Kill Order. “In an emergency, driverless cars will target old people,” say researchers

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Old folks watch out. The cars are coming for you first... After teenage hoodies.

Old folks watch out. The cars are coming for you first… After teenage hoodies.

Driverless car AI (Artificial Intelligence) units will be programmed to kill old people, second only to teenage hoodies.

In the event of an unavoidable accident, a driver – human or AI –has to make a decision about which obstacle to hit. In other words the car must make a choice between hitting and possibly killing one person or another, so who or what are its priorities?

After extensive research, the Driving Institute for Car Knowledge has determined which targets an auto car should go for first or, as they put it (although not publically) the car’s Kill Order.

Their findings are based on the results of a questionnaire completed by over 37 people, some of whom were old.

Top of the list are animals which are further segregated into cats/dogs, road kill, pests, birds, small animals, large animals, and other pets.

The male respondents put cats top of the list. The female respondents put dogs top. Which the AI will target first depends on whether it’s a male or female AI model.

When it comes to humans we all want to protect babies apart from respondents who had an unhappy childhood. Teenage hoodies topped everyone’s list apart from one respondent who was a teenage hoodie but even they placed themselves second.

The “Kill Order” runs like this:

  • Teenage hoodies
  • Old people
  • Foreigners
  • Anyone wearing a bowler hat
  • Anyone in a pin stripe suit
  • Anyone with a designer handbag
  • Anyone wearing pyjamas
  • Anyone eating a Greggs’ pasty
  • Any foreigner they may have missed first time around
  • The middle aged
  • Young men and women holding hands
  • Young men and women
  • Teenagers not wearing a hoodie
  • Twins wearing identical outfits
  • Cildren not holding hands with an adult
  • Other children
  • Babies in prams their parent has pushed onto the road to force cars to stop
  • Other babies

The Driving Institute for Car Knowledge said they will be passing their findings onto all companies involved in developing driverless cars and are confident they will implement the suggestions.

A spokesperson for the Institute said: “We think driverless cars will be free-for-all carnage. But then driving is anyway.”


If you were an automatic car AI who would you target?
Do teenage hoodies get a raw deal?
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