Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

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How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Hotel California – guests check out and leave! One said: “The pink champagne was a nice surprise and the band was good but the guitar solo did go on a bit…”

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Birmingham bin workers strike over ‘poor equipment’ claims. A council spokesman said: “That’s absolute rubbish!”

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

21, October 2019

JK Rowling to teach Boris Johnson how to sign his name

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No. 10 has asked Harry Potter author, JK Rowling, to teach Boris Johnson how to write his signature and tell him that, although miracles do sometimes happen, magic is not real

No. 10 has asked Harry Potter author, JK Rowling, to teach Boris Johnson how to write his signature and tell him that, although miracles do sometimes happen, magic is not real

Since taking office current UK PM, Boris Johnson, has not signed off on any bills and, it has emerged, has sent important letters to several important people without signing them.

Downing Street says this has simply been an “administrative error”. However, opposition parties claim Mr Johnson is incapable of writing and signing his name.

This claim was further substantiated when a No. 10 insider who did not want to be named confirmed Harry Potter author JK Rowling has been drafted in to teach Mr Johnson how to write his signature.

The source said: “The PM loves the idea of a wizard who can magically solve problems and he’s spent the last couple of weeks pointing a wand at pictures of Jeremy Corbyn, Jo Swinson and Nicola Queen of Scots and shouting ‘expelliamus’. I think he got the wand from Harrods.

“He’s also been working on the Limbo spell for the DUP although they’re already so far removed from reality it’s doubtful it would have any effect. Assuming magic was real, of course. Which is isn’t.

“The PM has only watched the Harry Potter movies so may have missed some of the finer points of the books but JK was the obvious choice for teaching him how to sign his name.

“He’ll be very disappointed when he learns that Harry Potter’s not real and he won’t be able to make his opponents disappear with a spell. He was particularly looking forward to turning Jo Swinson into a toad and Arlene Foster into a fly. Oh well…

“Still, as a politician he should know that life is full of little disappointments.”

Ref: BBC News Boris Johnson’s Brexit delay letters in full

What’s your biggest disappointment?
Who would you most like to turn into a toad?
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