The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

During her visit to China UK PM, Thereas May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texan. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

2, February 2019

James Bond originally a woman! Startling new manuscript reveals Bond’s true identity and origin

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James Bond was originally a bisexual woman!

James Bond was originally a bisexual woman!

An original manuscript by James Bond author, Ian Fleming, has been discovered at his publisher’s during an office move.

The manuscript, “Never Say Die Again, Again”, tells the story of Russian-born Zhanna brought up in England by her parents, both Russian sleeper agents, under the assumed name of Bond.

Jane, the English equivalent of Zhanna, never knew her true origin and was brought up as a typical English girl. While at finishing school in Switzerland, her parents were ‘woken up’ and sent on a mission during which they died.

Jane never forgave the Russian government, joined the UK military and later the secret service. It becomes clear throughout the novel that Jane was also bisexual.

Jane’s combination of toughness, desire for revenge, femininity and bisexuality gave her many advantages over her opponents, advantages that Fleming delighted in writing about.

The manuscript is covered with copious notes by Fleming’s then publisher who made several suggestions. The three main ones were, in true British fashion, to drop the revenge theme in case it upset the Russians as the cold war was in full swing.

The second was to drop the bisexuality. “We are British, after all,” the note said. The third was to make the character male as readers would never identify with a female who was as clever, strong and ruthless as a male and who used her powers of seduction to achieve her ends.

A note from Fleming, who died in 1964, attached to the manuscript showed that he disagreed on all points but he agreed to write another novel about a male secret service agent. That turned out to be Casino Royale featuring James Bond.

A spokesperson for Fleming’s publisher who discovered the manuscript said: “Fleming was way ahead of his time with this one, on all accounts. But there’s still only one James Bond.”

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