Feature by guest reporter David Layzelle
Recently installed Leader of the House, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq., has cemented his position as an authoritarian by issuing a list of preferred words to be used in Parliament.
He creates a dashing figure dressed in his customary frock coat over a white starched wing-collar shirt set off by an ivory silk waistcoat.
His white spats over patent leather ankle boots complement his omnipresent top hat.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. laid out the terms and phrases to be used by those working at the Palace of Westminster.
The list includes:
- Whooperups to describe noisy shenanigans in Parliament
- Umble-cum-stumble to signify complete understanding
- Chadband to mark out the obsequious hypocrites who believe he simply wasn’t moving with the times
Fixing his audience with a monocled steely eye, Jacob Rees Mogg, Esq. vowed to reinstate into common usage the Dickensian vocabulary that commanded respect, starting with what he described as “real English terms” like “pecksniff” meaning interfering people.
“When Brexit is complete, we can reintroduce all those terms that made England the greatest nation on Earth,” he said.
“Workhouses will colour the skies with soot again, and will provide opportune employment for today’s poor and work-shy.”
Dennis Skinner, Esq., the forthright MP for Bolsover, described Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. as an “utter fanny”.
He went on to say he considered the move “craptastic”, adding: “That gadgie’s gannin’ proper radgie, like, y’kna”.
An interpreter has been requested but is unlikely to reach the Derbyshire constituency before HS2 has been finished, currently projected to be 2034.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. asserted: “There will be no collie shangles if people simply adopt these new, old terms as standardised English. Anyone who doesn’t is probably a Wagnerian lady’s chemise.”
Standing in his stockinged feet at a fathom and a palm, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. is the honourable Parliamentary member for the 19th century.
David Layzelle runs a writing agency called The Writing Agency
Ref: BBC News Jacob Rees-Mogg: Is he right to ban these words?
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