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Catalytic converters stolen for precious metals. Police search for culprits was exhautive… But plans to prosecute dealers receiving the metal have been scrapped

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Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds being backed by vulture capitalists

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

Turner Old Master found in rubble: Ex-teacher Brian Turner doing well after his ordeal

How to spot a fashion rip-off – the original garment costs ten times what it’s worth!

Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Movie business to make a movie about the business of making a movie in the movie business

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

You CAN die laughing – although not at a Michael McIntye show

Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

James Pattison to stop collaborating with co-authors. His next solo book is due out in2035

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

30, July 2019

Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. demonstrates his adroitness at klondyking podsnappery

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Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. has issued a new male and female dress code for MPs. Women will only be allowed in the House if accompanied by a male member

Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. has issued a new male and female dress code for MPs. Women will only be allowed in the House if accompanied by a male member

Feature by guest reporter David Layzelle

Recently installed Leader of the House, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq., has cemented his position as an authoritarian by issuing a list of preferred words to be used in Parliament.

He creates a dashing figure dressed in his customary frock coat over a white starched wing-collar shirt set off by an ivory silk waistcoat.

His white spats over patent leather ankle boots complement his omnipresent top hat.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. laid out the terms and phrases to be used by those working at the Palace of Westminster.

The list includes:

  • Whooperups to describe noisy shenanigans in Parliament
  • Umble-cum-stumble to signify complete understanding
  • Chadband to mark out the obsequious hypocrites who believe he simply wasn’t moving with the times

Fixing his audience with a monocled steely eye, Jacob Rees Mogg, Esq. vowed to reinstate into common usage the Dickensian vocabulary that commanded respect, starting with what he described as “real English terms” like “pecksniff” meaning interfering people.

“When Brexit is complete, we can reintroduce all those terms that made England the greatest nation on Earth,” he said.

“Once free from the manacles of European confederacy, English streets can be home again to urchins and chavs, strumpets and mutton-shunters.

“Workhouses will colour the skies with soot again, and will provide opportune employment for today’s poor and work-shy.”

Dennis Skinner, Esq., the forthright MP for Bolsover, described Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. as an “utter fanny”.

He went on to say he considered the move “craptastic”, adding: “That gadgie’s gannin’ proper radgie, like, y’kna”.

An interpreter has been requested but is unlikely to reach the Derbyshire constituency before HS2 has been finished, currently projected to be 2034.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. asserted: “There will be no collie shangles if people simply adopt these new, old terms as standardised English. Anyone who doesn’t is probably a Wagnerian lady’s chemise.”

Standing in his stockinged feet at a fathom and a palm, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. is the honourable Parliamentary member for the 19th century.

David Layzelle runs a writing agency called The Writing Agency

Ref: BBC News Jacob Rees-Mogg: Is he right to ban these words?

What’s the most pretentious word you know?
Who’s the most pretentious twat you know?
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