Gollum diagnosed with shiny object syndrome

James Corden whinges and complains’chubby’ actors are shut out of romantic roles. #MeTooFat

Nigerian Presidential elections halted in last-minute drama – someone actually replied to the Prince’s Nigerian scan email!

Thousands of criminals to be tracked by GPS. “And if that works,” said a UK government spokesperson. “We’ll be rolling it out as compulsory for everyone else.”

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos agrees $35bn divorce settlement. His affair with Fox TV host Lauren Sánchez officially recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the most expensive f*@k in history!

Stan Lee lives! Doctors say: “It’s a Marvel!”

Killer car seats have been sold online for £8. Tennessee is considering them as alterantive to the electric chair

The world’s first AI politician can sidestep questions on any issue from policing to climate change, and poverty to taxation. However, the developers have so far been unable to incorporate the essential lying, expense-fiddling and back-stabbing routines

“Walls work!” says Donald Trump. “Mine doesn’t!” said Bobby “Bubba” Brandon of Texas. “It doesn’t even keep out the damn Mexican kids next door!”

Facebook data leak accidentally reveals identity of the unknown soldier

To mark April Fools’ Day, in Hungary hundreds of people took part in a “silly walks” parade. In the UK, millions of people watched fools cocking up another Brexit vote!

Corruption allegations made against Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. “It’s anti-semitic!” he claims. #Anti-semitismFail

Saturday Night Live Improv star arrested in bizzare recipe squabble. A police spokesman said: “You couldn’t make it up!”

Trump’s “witch hunt” successful! 27 witches arrested. Salem on lockdown

Paedophile ring smashed – Pied Piper arrested

During her visit to China UK PM, Theresa May, said she wanted to “intensify the golden era of UK/China relations”. Bejing said if that’s what she wanted, they were quite ready for another Boxer Rebellion

13, April 2019

“I’ve never wanted to shag so many women,” says 87-year old after brain zap experiment

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"A joint, a shag, a game, a rap, another shag - that's the life," says 87-year old

“A joint, a shag, a game, a rap, another shag – that’s the life,” says 87-year old

A new medical procedure called Transcranial Direct Current Stimulation (TDCS) boosts brain functions and mental ability. It applies a small burst of electricity to specific brain centres.

It was developed to help patients with sub-optimal brain functions due to illness. However, it has also been found to “rejuvenate” ailing brain functions.

In a controlled experiment with 87-year old dementia sufferer, Edmond Sly from Slough, Mr Sly’s brain functions and mental acuity were rejuvenated to that of a 19-year old.

The effect lasted a couple of hours. Afterwards, Mr Sly said he had never thought about sex so much or so often for a long time. He chatted up the female staff, complained about the education system and asked for a “joint”.

He also asked for 15 minutes of privacy which eventually lasted 55 minutes. He later complained that his rejuvenated brain functions did not take account of his physical abilities.

During the test he was also able to use a remote control, play video games and rap. One of his efforts included the lines:

“I’m down with the bro
So you know when I go
That the blow and the Joe
Ain’t what’s making me slow.”

Whatever that means.

When the effects wore off he said it was the best two hours of his life although ten minutes later he had forgotten all about it.

Scientists are hoping to develop the system so the effects last longer.

They already have a list of volunteers. Most are older men, although one of the team’s directors said there were also some “older female celebrities” on the list but declined to give names due to doctor-patient privilege. Out of earshot, an assistant added: “But one is a soap star.”

But not everyone is happy with the process. Mr Sly’s Grandson, Stanley, 29, said: “That’s all we need – old folks running around thinking they’re bloody teenagers. ‘Rap?’ More like ‘crap’ you mean. Who’s going to change their incontinence pants, that’s what I want to know!””

A governmental ministerial assistant who insisted on remaining anonymous said: “We should zap the bloody House of Lords. Bunch of old farts don’t know their arse from their elbow – and both are of as much use as a eunuch in a brothel. No offence to brothel workers intended.

“Come to think if it, some of the bloody MPs could do with a shot up the jacksie!”

We explained that the procedure took place at the other end of the subject. The ministerial assistant shrugged, said: “There’s no bloody difference.” And walked away.


Should we be trying to extend life as long as we possibly can? Should there be an age limit on rap? Leave a Comment below.

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