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Donald Trump urges Europe to repatriate IS fighters – and shoot them!

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Thieves broke into Battersea Dogs Home. No animals were taken but police are looking for leads. A spokesman for Battersea said: “They’re barking up the wrong tree.”

A vandal broke into the Tate Gallery and made up Tracy Emin’s “My Bed”. Police are looking for a criminal who’s had a good night’s sleep

In a bid to tackle herd mentality, Facebook bans mental patients with hearing difficulties

Cost of burials and cremations has risen sharply – Ofcom accuses funeral directors of taking dead people for a ride

Government crackdown on unregistered protests has lead to an increase in unregistered protests

“Salsa is supposed to keep you fit,” said Roscoe Arbuckle. “But I ate 5 bottles a day and I haven’t lost an ounce!”

Government passes Deferred Gratification bill. It comes into effect in 2050

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Prolific Facebook “Liker” Simon Miles ordered to stop Liking everything – he doesn’t Like it.

Narcissus updates Faccebook relationship status to “Me”. Zuckerberg updates his status to “God”

13, April 2019

“I’ve never wanted to shag so many women,” says 87-year old after brain zap experiment

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"A joint, a shag, a game, a rap, another shag - that's the life," says 87-year old

“A joint, a shag, a game, a rap, another shag – that’s the life,” says 87-year old

A new medical procedure called Transcranial Direct Current Stimulation (TDCS) boosts brain functions and mental ability. It applies a small burst of electricity to specific brain centres.

It was developed to help patients with sub-optimal brain functions due to illness. However, it has also been found to “rejuvenate” ailing brain functions.

In a controlled experiment with 87-year old dementia sufferer, Edmond Sly from Slough, Mr Sly’s brain functions and mental acuity were rejuvenated to that of a 19-year old.

The effect lasted a couple of hours. Afterwards, Mr Sly said he had never thought about sex so much or so often for a long time. He chatted up the female staff, complained about the education system and asked for a “joint”.

He also asked for 15 minutes of privacy which eventually lasted 55 minutes. He later complained that his rejuvenated brain functions did not take account of his physical abilities.

During the test he was also able to use a remote control, play video games and rap. One of his efforts included the lines:

“I’m down with the bro
So you know when I go
That the blow and the Joe
Ain’t what’s making me slow.”

Whatever that means.

When the effects wore off he said it was the best two hours of his life although ten minutes later he had forgotten all about it.

Scientists are hoping to develop the system so the effects last longer.

They already have a list of volunteers. Most are older men, although one of the team’s directors said there were also some “older female celebrities” on the list but declined to give names due to doctor-patient privilege. Out of earshot, an assistant added: “But one is a soap star.”

But not everyone is happy with the process. Mr Sly’s Grandson, Stanley, 29, said: “That’s all we need – old folks running around thinking they’re bloody teenagers. ‘Rap?’ More like ‘crap’ you mean. Who’s going to change their incontinence pants, that’s what I want to know!””

A governmental ministerial assistant who insisted on remaining anonymous said: “We should zap the bloody House of Lords. Bunch of old farts don’t know their arse from their elbow – and both are of as much use as a eunuch in a brothel. No offence to brothel workers intended.

“Come to think if it, some of the bloody MPs could do with a shot up the jacksie!”

We explained that the procedure took place at the other end of the subject. The ministerial assistant shrugged, said: “There’s no bloody difference.” And walked away.

Should we be trying to extend life as long as we possibly can? Should there be an age limit on rap? Leave a Comment below.

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